I Lied,

My first big crush wasn't Andy from 6th grade.

My first big crush was Gladys from 5th grade.

I like to pretend it never happened.
Nothing really happened honestly.
We talked hours on end outside of her apartment.
She went to my house to listen to music.
We obsessed over 'Tokio Hotel', and 'Paramore'.
We sat together in Science class.

But I lied,
I said I was first devastated
when I found out Andy started dating Guadalupe
(can't believe I remember her name).
My first devastation was when
Gladys told me her crush was Osvaldo
(can't believe I remember his name)

It was the first time I forced a fake smile to my face.
It was the first time I cried over a crush in my room at night.

Every time she talked about how dreamy his eyes were,
my stomach would turn,
I would feel a small amount of self doubt
I didn't want to cry in front of her.

I figured the best solution was to instead encourage her to get closer to her crush.
If they dated that would be the end of it.

My crush would diminish over time as their bond grew stronger.
But it never happened.

My second devastation wasn't when
my 3rd mini crush told me I was "fucking ugly"
in 7th grade.
It was when Gladys and I grew apart in 8th grade.
It was when the after school talks stopped,
It was when she stopped telling me secrets.
It was when she stopped going to my house.
It was when she would stop grabbing my hand at the most random times.
It was when I suddenly stopped seeing her often in the middle school hallways.
It was when I stopped listening to the song "The Only Exception"

I had a lot of mini crushes since Pre-K
but Gladys was the first person
my heart would skip a beat for.
She was the first person I always wanted to impress.
I would make the extra effort to listen to all the music she listened to,
Especially Tokio Hotel.
I even made my first lyric video on one of their songs on my first Youtube channel
(that sadly got deleted (Yes I am still mad about my channel being deleted by youtube due to copyright claims))
She was the reason why I attempted to write poetry
(this is not a poem btw)
The reason why I started reading more books.
I tried to love the things she had an everlasting passion for
Because her passion towards these things was truly a breathtaking thing to listen
to her talk about.
I remember the way her eyes would just radiate with joy when she talked about her new
favorite song, poem, movie, or book.

I never told this to anyone at the time.
But Jael noticed, either because he liked the idea of "girlongirl" action
or because he actually saw the way my mood elevated instantly when she was around.
I never told this to anyone later on.
But Lesly managed to see the truth, either because she wanted to know something about me that nobody else did
Or because she saw the way I talked about my friendship with Gladys in middle school.
I never told anyone, but they noticed.

So yeah I lied,
My first Scorpio love wasn't Andy,
it was Gladys.

So I found the first lyric video in my laptop!!! Here it is :)

My next poem

So in my school I am involved in a group called "New Literati" every month we are required to submit poems/short stories/essay/visual art. I already submitted one poem which I am quite proud of. Now we have another submission date coming up and I think my next poem will be about letting go. My last poem was about loss and now I want to write about the next phase. (The loss poem wasn't about geek dude btw, I felt if I wrote about him it would have been a hate poem, I would have had a bunch of self pity and I didn't want that lmao). Maybe i'll tie this poem to my retreat experience. The activity we did to write down our fears and throw them into a pit of fire. Maybe I'll include the hike, where we all started screaming for no good reason in the middle of the forest.  I used to think these activities were bs because I've done them before and I did nothing to change myself. Yes at the moment I always said "Now it's time for change" but two days after the retreat I went back to the old bad habits. This Freshman Retreat changed all of this. I felt and overwhelming wave of joy, and I kept it throughout these few months and it gave me the strength to cut out people from my life. it's the first time I've actually kept my word. So yeah maybe I'll write a poem about that.

The reason why there's so many missing posts (10/29/17)

So today I was reading "Sad Girls" by Lang Leav (great book, I totally recommend this!) One thing that stood out was Rad deleting his book completely from his laptop. After he had the horrible breakup with Audrey and after having his book rejected by a publisher, he shut down and deleted everything. 

This hit me kind of hard, because I did the same with most of my blog posts after a breakup. It was strange though because I even deleted things that weren't related to him. I did it because I felt shitty to the point where I thought I was completely worthless, and everything I did had no meaning, my writing meant nothing.

So I went on to my blog and randomly decided to delete 75% of my content. I have no idea how the content that was left survived that 'apocalypse' (the stuff that I deleted was completely random, I didn't even read the titles of the posts that I was deleting), but I am glad I didn't delete everything. 25% is better than 0% right? I still regret this, I deleted my most happy experiences with him and other things throughout high school. I would give anything to go back and stop myself from doing such a dumb thing. 

Chinese New Year

New lyric video,

New beginning,

Heck I finally stopped crying !!!

I haven't felt this liberated in a while,

I'm so freaking happy

that I dealt with my fear from the retreat

Chinese New Year

Campfire (9/23/17) Freshman Retreat

So I feel fine now.
I haven't thought or cried about him for several weeks.
That's improvement right?
I am so freaking happy
And nothing eventful has really happened
But I am so happy.

I think I finally let go of everything in the retreat (9-22-17~9-24-17)
I think it happened when we sat around the campfire holding our fears in a piece of paper.
I think it happened when I saw him crying
and I thought to myself "What is he crying for? What is his fear?"
I wanted to ask but decided not to because it was something internal only he could solve
I cried over you and the shitty situation under the stars
I cried for the last time besides other people who were also hurting over their past.
That was the last time I cried over you.

I was finally ready to throw my piece of paper in the fire
he said "I wish our problems could go away this easily"
I just agreed, because I know it takes work to get over a fear
It is so hard to let go of something that was a crucial part of your life.
A crucial part of your past.

And I hope this isn't temporary,
I hope this is permanent

I Am A Fucking Cancer

        Having more time to reflect on my mistakes due to the lack of social life, I am finally coming to hate myself. I have become ignorant and a selfish cunt. When I felt someone getting close I ignored them without explanations. The second person that came close I just shot them down with the college bullshit, I fucking hate this, I hate myself. I don't want to toy with anyone's emotions, but why have I already hurt two people along the way?
        Have I become that destructive hurricane? Have I become the reason hurricanes are called after names? Yes I fucking have. Without even realizing it.
      Note to self: I won't get close to anyone again until I completely heal.

Relapse (9/4/17) Freshman year College

       I am not feeling like myself lately. I have not laughed in a while, I have not even talked to people in a while. I haven't had a real conversation since the beginning of August. I am doing bad again. The first sign should have been the fact that I didn't cry when my parents dropped me off in my dorm. I didn't even cry the first night I was here on my own. 

       The second sign should have been that I made no attempt to go to the activities my university was offering. Like the breakfast/meet up at Doyle Hall or the REC fest. Why? I didn't want to interact with anyone. 

       Third sign. I am skipping meals. Not because I want to, heck I know it's bad for my health. But some days I just don't feel like getting up to eat. I don't crave food at times at all. My stomach doesn't grumble anymore. 

       Fourth sign, I don't want to talk with anyone. I am content being alone. I've spent the past 4 days alone in my dorm. I didn't feel bad either. I wasn't craving to talk to anyone. The only people I talked to were my parents. Slowly I've noticed that I haven't even been replying to my messages. I just wanted(want) to be alone. 

      Today the wave of emotions hit me, I am not okay. I am on the verge of losing my mind and I don't have a private place to go. I don't have a place where I can cry on my own without anyone asking if I am okay. I can't talk about to my roommate and I can't talk about to my best friends because they have their own things to worry about. I can't talk about it to anyone, because of all of this I haven't made new friends. This is the first time I have to deal with my emotions and i'm not sure how I can handle them in this environment. Everyday it's getting harder for me to keep things under the rug.