Last day of April lol

 Okay wow. Been feeling even more.

I'm currently reading a fic and its kind of scary how much i relate to the character in the sense of feeling so much but holding myself back. Same with this other anime where the main chara hides aspects of himself if he feels the other person won't like it. Anyways today I was thinking about my last therapy session. In the previous session my therapist asked me to really think about why I don't like physical touch. I remember giving a nervous nod, because I had an idea of why but I did not want to brig it up. The days leading up to the session I felt sick because I knew I HAD to retell the reason why, especially if its something I want to heal from. 

The session started and I told her about the night out I had with my cousin and how downhill it went after she got drunk. I also told her that my cousin was going through a harder time and I was already weary about her safety. Then I retold the story in the hotel where it felt like I couldnt sleep. I knew I was safe with her, but my body was tense, i physically couldn't put myself to sleep. That's when my therapist asked why and I knew at that point that was my time to share what I had been holding on to for years. I still kind of danced around the topic but yeah eventually it came out. In that session I also realized why the horrible thing that happened to my cousin, got under my skin even more. Obviously I couldnt stand to see her hurt, but I also realized that now I didn't feel safe with the person that had inflicted that pain on to her. Yet another person in my family that I couldnt trust when I thought I could. It was a sad realization when my therapist said "it looks like your circle is getting smaller" and I also got sad when I mentioned that I would mostly feel anxious in the past during family parties when everyone was intoxicated because no one would notice what was happened to me in the meantime. I felt exposed. It kind of made me realize why I disassociate a little when someone is completely intoxicated. That day with my cousin I felt like i went to autopilot just going thru the motions of taking care of her, no wonder I was triggered more easily at night after all of that. 

I've felt kind of odd after that session. My thoughts keep going back to that session and I feel a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, my friends are also having a hard time. I can also think of a few other people but I don't think I would feel okay after telling them everything. Anyways I also started thinking about my friend that passed away 9 years ago. I'm not sure why. I started an art project of the moments I still remember from high school, I havent finished it yet. I also keep thinking about how I feel like I'm hiding more often now. I don't know I just keep feeling more. 

Almost May

 April is almost done for and I'm not sure how to feel in my personal life. I feel like I've had the best and worst year. Emotionally I am all over the place. Some days I feel like myself and I feel motivated to go for the things I want present in my life. Other days I hit a wall, and swim in a doom mentality. Reoccurring thoughts include: "Everything is changing, the people I used to be with are far away. Nothing will be he same anymore" or "Why am I not following my true passion, why do I feel stagnant?" or "I feel like I am doing something wrong" or "I don't think I am meant to find my "person" I don't see myself with anyone". They vary of course but most of the time they come back to one of these. 

I also get frustrated with myself when I know I am wasting time. I could be studying for my drivers exam, or I could be reading one of the many books I've gotten in the past year. Instead I watch reaction channels on whatever movie is of interest to me at that moment. Instead I tap away on an online game that doesn't give me any actual rewards. I don't feel too bad when I practice music or make art, but in the back of my head I feel like I am not doing it correctly. I am creating without purpose, no end goal. I am feeling a bit more restless than I have in the past few years. It feels like this has to be the year I make a move. A move anywhere, in whatever area in my life. I think all of it has been the same for a while, but yeah I need to actually do something different this year. Socially it's been okay, I've gone to places alone without a care s that is a win. But, I need to focus my energy again.  

So far the year has brought me some interesting experiences. I went to a kpop concert, gone to a couple music related movie events, went to a protest, gone to several EDM club nights, created more art, practiced violin more, and have hosted multiple watch parties. Right now I am getting ready for an impromptu trip to support my friend on a literary event. We have even planned to make a short film for it! I am pretty excited that I get an opportunity to create again in this format, with someone that I care for. All active things, but I still feel like something is missing. 

I want to find my motivation again to continue moving forward. I need to. 

4/30/26: edit i voted in my local school district! an I went to a boardoftrustees meeting as well regardign the closureof a school :// idk it's just stuff im pushing myself to be involved with. 

2025 Review

 Man...

This year was something for sure. I feel like it was the worst and best year. I got the courage to apply to grad school and then got rejected lmao. I was sick for the majority of the year with stuff I've never had issues with. This made me miss a concert and a movie hang out with a friend, and almost a wedding. To yeah, gaining a crush on someone, not acting on it, and then seeing them move on. Self esteem took a dive and I still feel a light sting. But!! overall I can also feel myself moving on and genuinely being happy for them. I know they always wanted to experience love and to be in a relationship, and I'm glad they get an opportunity to do so. Another major hit was my best friend moving to another state. Which would be a nice thing if it weren't for the fact that it had to be done out safety and necessity. It was so sudden. I cried for weeks and I kept telling myself it was for her safety... but it angered me how it was the way it had to go down. I was going to miss her. It wasn't going to be an easy 3hr drive anymore. We would see each other less. It hurt so much to think about the distance. But its been several weeks since the move and she's doing better so at least that brings an ease of mind. I'm not sure how I will feel not going to her house for New Years, but we'll see I guess. I'm still trying to adjust to this one. 

Through all the rough patches though, I had some really neat experiences. I never considered myself someone who likes dancing or going on outings much, but this year proved me wrong. I love it, I love being with people. I love connecting with strangers and sharing an experience with them. Even if its overall meaningless, I find joy in it. I started looking forward to going to new events even if it was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I went to a science museum dance night, an edm dj night, the museum! Even ACL !! I never thought i would go to a music festival because it all seemed overwhelming. But the opportunity presented itself in the form of a cheap ticket for the 3 day festival lmao. So I had to go, especially since i happened to know a lot of the artists in the lineup. It turned out to be one of my favorite weekends. I was with my cousin and her friends for the entirety of it, we saw The Strokes, Cage the Elephant, Hozier, and The Dare. On one of the days I broke off on my own and saw Magdalena Bay, The Marinas, and Doechii. It was insane.. A surprising act was Wet Leg, the rest of the group already knew them and yeah after that live concert I became an instant fan. We also saw John Summit and my god the energy was otherworldly it did not feel like a close to 2 hr set. I am so happy I decided to get over my fear of sudden plans or else I would have missed out on a ton. 

This year my friend also got married and I got to attend her wedding. It was crazy to think that the person she married is someone her high school self would have dreamed about. Now knowing its her reality it made me feel joyful. I also got to visit her more often during the year (which was lucky considering that she would have to move so suddenly). We attended a kpop dj night event and we sang our hearts out to Golden. This year I also saw my fave Korean artist Bibi!! I went with my scorpio friend, and we also did an escape room. I saw Empire of the Sun with gemini girl and we ran across downtown and went look at buildings on the top floor of a parking lot. I saw a live orchestra in a downtown park with my cousin and gemini girl. Also spontaneously went on a picnic with gemini girl and saw the elephant exhibit, a Bollywood play, and rolled down a hill. Went to a contemporary art exhibit. Saw movies that I know will continue to be my favorites for a while, Nosferatu, Sinners, Superman, and Frankenstein. It was the year Stranger Things concluded lmao. For the months leading up to the finale me and my friend theorized to hell and back, and I watched the finale with my virgo friend. The watchparties continued with my friends, we watched To Be Hero X and other animes. 

In terms of my own personal development I inherited my cousins old violin! I started practicing and I continue to learn. I also picked up the guitar and know a couple notes of my favorite songs. I also delved into art development more with my friend! I am starting to see improvements especially in body compositions. I noticed I said "Yes" to more things, even when I initially felt fear. I learned that I enjoy the company of others. I learned to voice my interests more and share my small accomplishment with others more. I am still scared of a lot of things, and I have quite a lot to learn but 2025 proved that I am actually trying. I am trying to step into my light. I am trying to be more like myself.