Okay wow. Been feeling even more.
I'm currently reading a fic and its kind of scary how much i relate to the character in the sense of feeling so much but holding myself back. Same with this other anime where the main chara hides aspects of himself if he feels the other person won't like it. Anyways today I was thinking about my last therapy session. In the previous session my therapist asked me to really think about why I don't like physical touch. I remember giving a nervous nod, because I had an idea of why but I did not want to brig it up. The days leading up to the session I felt sick because I knew I HAD to retell the reason why, especially if its something I want to heal from.
The session started and I told her about the night out I had with my cousin and how downhill it went after she got drunk. I also told her that my cousin was going through a harder time and I was already weary about her safety. Then I retold the story in the hotel where it felt like I couldnt sleep. I knew I was safe with her, but my body was tense, i physically couldn't put myself to sleep. That's when my therapist asked why and I knew at that point that was my time to share what I had been holding on to for years. I still kind of danced around the topic but yeah eventually it came out. In that session I also realized why the horrible thing that happened to my cousin, got under my skin even more. Obviously I couldnt stand to see her hurt, but I also realized that now I didn't feel safe with the person that had inflicted that pain on to her. Yet another person in my family that I couldnt trust when I thought I could. It was a sad realization when my therapist said "it looks like your circle is getting smaller" and I also got sad when I mentioned that I would mostly feel anxious in the past during family parties when everyone was intoxicated because no one would notice what was happened to me in the meantime. I felt exposed. It kind of made me realize why I disassociate a little when someone is completely intoxicated. That day with my cousin I felt like i went to autopilot just going thru the motions of taking care of her, no wonder I was triggered more easily at night after all of that.
I've felt kind of odd after that session. My thoughts keep going back to that session and I feel a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, my friends are also having a hard time. I can also think of a few other people but I don't think I would feel okay after telling them everything. Anyways I also started thinking about my friend that passed away 9 years ago. I'm not sure why. I started an art project of the moments I still remember from high school, I havent finished it yet. I also keep thinking about how I feel like I'm hiding more often now. I don't know I just keep feeling more.
