Almost May

 April is almost done for and I'm not sure how to feel in my personal life. I feel like I've had the best and worst year. Emotionally I am all over the place. Some days I feel like myself and I feel motivated to go for the things I want present in my life. Other days I hit a wall, and swim in a doom mentality. Reoccurring thoughts include: "Everything is changing, the people I used to be with are far away. Nothing will be he same anymore" or "Why am I not following my true passion, why do I feel stagnant?" or "I feel like I am doing something wrong" or "I don't think I am meant to find my "person" I don't see myself with anyone". They vary of course but most of the time they come back to one of these. 

I also get frustrated with myself when I know I am wasting time. I could be studying for my drivers exam, or I could be reading one of the many books I've gotten in the past year. Instead I watch reaction channels on whatever movie is of interest to me at that moment. Instead I tap away on an online game that doesn't give me any actual rewards. I don't feel too bad when I practice music or make art, but in the back of my head I feel like I am not doing it correctly. I am creating without purpose, no end goal. I am feeling a bit more restless than I have in the past few years. It feels like this has to be the year I make a move. A move anywhere, in whatever area in my life. I think all of it has been the same for a while, but yeah I need to actually do something different this year. Socially it's been okay, I've gone to places alone without a care s that is a win. But, I need to focus my energy again.  

So far the year has brought me some interesting experiences. I went to a kpop concert, gone to a couple music related movie events, went to a protest, gone to several EDM club nights, created more art, practiced violin more, and have hosted multiple watch parties. Right now I am getting ready for an impromptu trip to support my friend on a literary event. We have even planned to make a short film for it! I am pretty excited that I get an opportunity to create again in this format, with someone that I care for. All active things, but I still feel like something is missing. 

I want to find my motivation again to continue moving forward. I need to.