Last day of April lol

 Okay wow. Been feeling even more.

I'm currently reading a fic and its kind of scary how much i relate to the character in the sense of feeling so much but holding myself back. Same with this other anime where the main chara hides aspects of himself if he feels the other person won't like it. Anyways today I was thinking about my last therapy session. In the previous session my therapist asked me to really think about why I don't like physical touch. I remember giving a nervous nod, because I had an idea of why but I did not want to brig it up. The days leading up to the session I felt sick because I knew I HAD to retell the reason why, especially if its something I want to heal from. 

The session started and I told her about the night out I had with my cousin and how downhill it went after she got drunk. I also told her that my cousin was going through a harder time and I was already weary about her safety. Then I retold the story in the hotel where it felt like I couldnt sleep. I knew I was safe with her, but my body was tense, i physically couldn't put myself to sleep. That's when my therapist asked why and I knew at that point that was my time to share what I had been holding on to for years. I still kind of danced around the topic but yeah eventually it came out. In that session I also realized why the horrible thing that happened to my cousin, got under my skin even more. Obviously I couldnt stand to see her hurt, but I also realized that now I didn't feel safe with the person that had inflicted that pain on to her. Yet another person in my family that I couldnt trust when I thought I could. It was a sad realization when my therapist said "it looks like your circle is getting smaller" and I also got sad when I mentioned that I would mostly feel anxious in the past during family parties when everyone was intoxicated because no one would notice what was happened to me in the meantime. I felt exposed. It kind of made me realize why I disassociate a little when someone is completely intoxicated. That day with my cousin I felt like i went to autopilot just going thru the motions of taking care of her, no wonder I was triggered more easily at night after all of that. 

I've felt kind of odd after that session. My thoughts keep going back to that session and I feel a heaviness in my chest. I feel like I can't talk to anyone about it, my friends are also having a hard time. I can also think of a few other people but I don't think I would feel okay after telling them everything. Anyways I also started thinking about my friend that passed away 9 years ago. I'm not sure why. I started an art project of the moments I still remember from high school, I havent finished it yet. I also keep thinking about how I feel like I'm hiding more often now. I don't know I just keep feeling more. 

Almost May

 April is almost done for and I'm not sure how to feel in my personal life. I feel like I've had the best and worst year. Emotionally I am all over the place. Some days I feel like myself and I feel motivated to go for the things I want present in my life. Other days I hit a wall, and swim in a doom mentality. Reoccurring thoughts include: "Everything is changing, the people I used to be with are far away. Nothing will be he same anymore" or "Why am I not following my true passion, why do I feel stagnant?" or "I feel like I am doing something wrong" or "I don't think I am meant to find my "person" I don't see myself with anyone". They vary of course but most of the time they come back to one of these. 

I also get frustrated with myself when I know I am wasting time. I could be studying for my drivers exam, or I could be reading one of the many books I've gotten in the past year. Instead I watch reaction channels on whatever movie is of interest to me at that moment. Instead I tap away on an online game that doesn't give me any actual rewards. I don't feel too bad when I practice music or make art, but in the back of my head I feel like I am not doing it correctly. I am creating without purpose, no end goal. I am feeling a bit more restless than I have in the past few years. It feels like this has to be the year I make a move. A move anywhere, in whatever area in my life. I think all of it has been the same for a while, but yeah I need to actually do something different this year. Socially it's been okay, I've gone to places alone without a care s that is a win. But, I need to focus my energy again.  

So far the year has brought me some interesting experiences. I went to a kpop concert, gone to a couple music related movie events, went to a protest, gone to several EDM club nights, created more art, practiced violin more, and have hosted multiple watch parties. Right now I am getting ready for an impromptu trip to support my friend on a literary event. We have even planned to make a short film for it! I am pretty excited that I get an opportunity to create again in this format, with someone that I care for. All active things, but I still feel like something is missing. 

I want to find my motivation again to continue moving forward. I need to. 

4/30/26: edit i voted in my local school district! an I went to a boardoftrustees meeting as well regardign the closureof a school :// idk it's just stuff im pushing myself to be involved with. 

2025 Review

 Man...

This year was something for sure. I feel like it was the worst and best year. I got the courage to apply to grad school and then got rejected lmao. I was sick for the majority of the year with stuff I've never had issues with. This made me miss a concert and a movie hang out with a friend, and almost a wedding. To yeah, gaining a crush on someone, not acting on it, and then seeing them move on. Self esteem took a dive and I still feel a light sting. But!! overall I can also feel myself moving on and genuinely being happy for them. I know they always wanted to experience love and to be in a relationship, and I'm glad they get an opportunity to do so. Another major hit was my best friend moving to another state. Which would be a nice thing if it weren't for the fact that it had to be done out safety and necessity. It was so sudden. I cried for weeks and I kept telling myself it was for her safety... but it angered me how it was the way it had to go down. I was going to miss her. It wasn't going to be an easy 3hr drive anymore. We would see each other less. It hurt so much to think about the distance. But its been several weeks since the move and she's doing better so at least that brings an ease of mind. I'm not sure how I will feel not going to her house for New Years, but we'll see I guess. I'm still trying to adjust to this one. 

Through all the rough patches though, I had some really neat experiences. I never considered myself someone who likes dancing or going on outings much, but this year proved me wrong. I love it, I love being with people. I love connecting with strangers and sharing an experience with them. Even if its overall meaningless, I find joy in it. I started looking forward to going to new events even if it was a bit out of my comfort zone.  I went to a science museum dance night, an edm dj night, the museum! Even ACL !! I never thought i would go to a music festival because it all seemed overwhelming. But the opportunity presented itself in the form of a cheap ticket for the 3 day festival lmao. So I had to go, especially since i happened to know a lot of the artists in the lineup. It turned out to be one of my favorite weekends. I was with my cousin and her friends for the entirety of it, we saw The Strokes, Cage the Elephant, Hozier, and The Dare. On one of the days I broke off on my own and saw Magdalena Bay, The Marinas, and Doechii. It was insane.. A surprising act was Wet Leg, the rest of the group already knew them and yeah after that live concert I became an instant fan. We also saw John Summit and my god the energy was otherworldly it did not feel like a close to 2 hr set. I am so happy I decided to get over my fear of sudden plans or else I would have missed out on a ton. 

This year my friend also got married and I got to attend her wedding. It was crazy to think that the person she married is someone her high school self would have dreamed about. Now knowing its her reality it made me feel joyful. I also got to visit her more often during the year (which was lucky considering that she would have to move so suddenly). We attended a kpop dj night event and we sang our hearts out to Golden. This year I also saw my fave Korean artist Bibi!! I went with my scorpio friend, and we also did an escape room. I saw Empire of the Sun with gemini girl and we ran across downtown and went look at buildings on the top floor of a parking lot. I saw a live orchestra in a downtown park with my cousin and gemini girl. Also spontaneously went on a picnic with gemini girl and saw the elephant exhibit, a Bollywood play, and rolled down a hill. Went to a contemporary art exhibit. Saw movies that I know will continue to be my favorites for a while, Nosferatu, Sinners, Superman, and Frankenstein. It was the year Stranger Things concluded lmao. For the months leading up to the finale me and my friend theorized to hell and back, and I watched the finale with my virgo friend. The watchparties continued with my friends, we watched To Be Hero X and other animes. 

In terms of my own personal development I inherited my cousins old violin! I started practicing and I continue to learn. I also picked up the guitar and know a couple notes of my favorite songs. I also delved into art development more with my friend! I am starting to see improvements especially in body compositions. I noticed I said "Yes" to more things, even when I initially felt fear. I learned that I enjoy the company of others. I learned to voice my interests more and share my small accomplishment with others more. I am still scared of a lot of things, and I have quite a lot to learn but 2025 proved that I am actually trying. I am trying to step into my light. I am trying to be more like myself. 

okay that's-

 I was thinking about making an Ac| post but I wasn't too sure. I loved the memory of that weekend and I really do want to write about it, but I think it might have to be for my journal. No, but the thing that did motivate me to write was seeing a pic of  person I like with someone else. There's no denying they're seeing someone. As soon as i saw it I felt a cold chill. I am still at work, I am still trying my hardest to not cry lol. It shouldn't be that serious especially because yeah we were never together and I never shared what I felt for them. But yeah I kind of wish I didn't react as intensely for something this simple. I feel like I am disconnecting from my body, and I still feel the coldness. I can't wait until I get back home and let everything out. The only comforting about this is that I know it's over. I don't have to speculate. My mind can't run with theories or "what ifs" at least I am free of that loop. Liking someone like this always makes me feel anxious, It feels like I can't take a breath, it feels like there's an endless pit in my stomach, and it feels like my mind can't stop spitting out self deprecating thoughts. 

I wish I was different, I wish I allowed myself to connect with others in the way that I crave. I don't think I am ready though, I'm not sure if that will ever be a reality for me. 

idk this is just a sad post of me feeling sorry for myself lmao. I will probably feel better tomorrow. 

loser era (kind of?)

So it's been a month or two since I've initially found out that I was not accepted into the master's program that I had applied for. Initially I got the email before the date of the deadline, which threw me off. I contacted the advisor to confirm my denial was accurate. They said yes and to contact another person from the department to ask the reasoning behind their decision. Honestly I was scared to reach out but I was scared of not knowing what exactly took me out as a candidate. Weeks passed until I finally decided to ask, and yeah it was my GPA!!! I had a sinking feeling my GPA was going to be an obstacle in this process. 

I was sort of felt relived that it was only my GPA, but also bummed that it was still a major obstacle. Even if they look at my last few semesters. That's where my lower grades reside in. It made sense considering it was the year 2020 and 2021 lol, but whatever it's in the past. I felt weird telling my parents and my bosses at work about it. I spoke to my counselor and I cried about it. Thankfully, I did there. When I told my mom yesterday she said "Oh I guess they didn't want you. You can tell your bosses you're just not thinking about a masters anymore" okay?? I know she has a weird way of saying things, but yeah honestly I did feel like crying. She also mentioned "oh well I guess you weren't good enough" which is something I always end up telling myself when I feel down. It did not feel good hearing it out loud. 

These past few months I feel like there have been a lot of inconveniences. First getting sick twice in the span of several weeks. One time with a mild case of bronchitis the other with covid. This almost made me miss my best friends wedding but thankfully I was good by the time her day rolled around! Then it was m violin. I went to get it repaired. Went out with my gemini friend to an edm club night and once I came back the bottom part was snapped off. I still need to get it fixed again lol. That was the unlucky day where I already had strange feelings festering up, that when I saw my violin in that state i broke down crying.  During the club night I felt like I was disassociating, It was such a good time with gemini girl. But towards the end I felt myself withdrawing. It was too god to be true. I felt like I didnt deserve a good night. At the end I was left feeling terrible by the time I went to sleep. Then yeah my phone broke completely and I had to shelve out money for a phone that I think was accidentally overcharged> I could not dispute it because I did not have a receipt. So yeah a lot small things have happened??

But a lot of good things have also happened.

Throughout this time I've gotten to know gemini girl better. I started reading new books! Started talking to my other uni friends more! We had a good online hang out session where we just spoke about superheroes, and another one where we did escape text games. I love moments like these. 

But yeah the whole masters program thing definitely was a big hit but I can try again at my former school! I like to think of this as my ball boy era. Hinata had to face so many rejections despite wanting to advance so much. Despite his efforts and wishes he just wasn't good enough and things didn't work out in his favor, but he fought through it all to earn himself a spot. His story continues to inspire me. This is just a small set back but I'll continue to work towards my goal like he does! I admire his strength and persistence and pure pure optimism. I hope to reach the same heights as him ( a fictional character lol), and I hope to not give up on myself despite what others think. I will do this !!!

meeting someone for the first time again

 Having crushes feels weird after so long without having one-

Honestly I feel insane every time I like someone. It seems a bit obsessive and I constantly have to remind myself to take a step back. At the same time I also feel like I forget about it as well? I get big waves of emotions but they leave easily if enough time passes. 

The last time I had a crush on someone it was probably 2018, and we ended up dating. Obviously that ended, and I haven't had an interest in anyone since then. It was strange when in 2023 I started talking to someone that I briefly knew in high school. Back then I always thought she was cool, we were involved in a few extracurricular activities but we never became close friends. Surprising as that was. I wish we had talked more then but then again I was a completely different person. I might have been too annoying back in the day. 

Anyways we got to talking about one of the kpop groups we were into during that time. I would occasionally reply to one of her stories and she would comment on some of mine. Eventually we added eachother on tiktok and funny enough we started talking more on there. Most of our conversations revolved around what we liked in media. We would get excited if we found out the other person was interested in something we liked (but not many people knew). It was interesting because I was telling her about things I didn't tell other people too often, in fear of being viewed as "weird", but it wasn't with her because she liked it as well. 

One thing we didn't talk about though was our real lives haha. We never discussed where we lived or where we worked, or what we had been up to after high school. Until one day she texted me with "hey weird question. i've been wondering about this, but do you live in [insert city]?" I dont know why but that question immediately sent me to a panic when i saw it in my notification bar. It was the first time we spoke about ourselves outside of our interests. It also meant that if I said yes there was a possibility of us meeting in person. I replied with yes I am in the same city. Then it was the first time we spoke about what we had been up to since graduation. We sent long replies on updates and overall it was nice learning more about her. A few days later she said "crazy question but are you available next week?". We decided to meet up at a cafe that was nearby to talk. 

The days leading up to it my anxiety grew so much I even thought about cancelling. I'm glad I didn't, our conversation flowed so well. My hands were sweaty and my heart wouldn't calm itself down. I didn't know what to expect, I just sat nervously in one of the tables waiting for her to arrive. I was not sure if I was nervous because I was essentially meeting someone "new" or if it was because there were underlying feelings. Once she arrived a smile immediately settled on my face. It was strange it felt like she looked like what I had remembered from her image back in high school. But this time she literally glowed. It was probably 6pm? The sun was setting and the cafe was getting darker, only a few rays of sunshine came through the small windows. I could tell we were both a little nervous and tense but we lightened up the more we spoke of our experiences. I remember at one point the light perfectly highlighted her as she laughed. I remember thinking wow this literally feels like a movie even the lighting was just emphasizing her light aura. I kind of felt like laughed at how everything aligned so well. At one point of our meeting she mentioned she met one of our former classmates. I had a sinking feeling that it was probably my high school ex. I was right. When she kept describing him all of it was lining up to the person I was thinking about. Finally I said "is this person ___?" and she said "Yes! I'm not sure if you know him" and I replied with "Yeah! We dated". Immediately she said "Oh! I'm sorry I didn't know". We both kind of laughed about it and then we spoke about our previous relationships and "almost have been's". I loved that we generally opened up easily. We spoke about love and queerness, and the mess of the people that are straight. I did find it a little unfortunate that my mood shifted slightly at the mention of the ex. But overall I didn't let it overtake the entire meet up. We talked until it was almost closing time at the cafe. I wanted to stay longer with her but I decided it was enough for a first meeting. I had parked far away and she offered to drive me to my spot. I gladly accepted and before I left her car, we added each other on spotify. We slightly discussed our silly spotify playlist names before we left. 

I waited for a while for her to leave first and when enough time passed I just let out a nervous laugh. I felt amazing. I went out of my comfort zone to meet with someone. Someone New (kind of?) and went to a place I hadn't gone before, and the world didn't end because of it. I usually have a hard time trying new things but this was different. It was scary but I felt good by the end of it. At the time my feelings weren't completely defined, I was just excited at the prospect of getting to know someone.

originally written in Feb. 2025 (finished writing on april lmfao)

new beginnings

 

I finally started seeing a therapist! I feel a lot more moody these days, but I'm okay with that. I think it's because this is the first time I am confronting my feelings head on. I have before, but it was always due to the circumstance. Now is the time I initiated this on my own. I really like her so far, shes very understanding and she always seems to look for new ways to engage with me. I appreciate her work and kindness!! 

It's been around a month? I already cried in our third session haha. Unexpectedly so. 

written in June something 2024