I Lied,

My first big crush wasn't Andy from 6th grade.

My first big crush was Gladys from 5th grade.

I like to pretend it never happened.
Nothing really happened honestly.
We talked hours on end outside of her apartment.
She went to my house to listen to music.
We obsessed over 'Tokio Hotel', and 'Paramore'.
We sat together in Science class.

But I lied,
I said I was first devastated
when I found out Andy started dating Guadalupe
(can't believe I remember her name).
My first devastation was when
Gladys told me her crush was Osvaldo
(can't believe I remember his name)

It was the first time I forced a fake smile to my face.
It was the first time I cried over a crush in my room at night.

Every time she talked about how dreamy his eyes were,
my stomach would turn,
I would feel a small amount of self doubt
I didn't want to cry in front of her.

I figured the best solution was to instead encourage her to get closer to her crush.
If they dated that would be the end of it.

My crush would diminish over time as their bond grew stronger.
But it never happened.

My second devastation wasn't when
my 3rd mini crush told me I was "fucking ugly"
in 7th grade.
It was when Gladys and I grew apart in 8th grade.
It was when the after school talks stopped,
It was when she stopped telling me secrets.
It was when she stopped going to my house.
It was when she would stop grabbing my hand at the most random times.
It was when I suddenly stopped seeing her often in the middle school hallways.
It was when I stopped listening to the song "The Only Exception"

I had a lot of mini crushes since Pre-K
but Gladys was the first person
my heart would skip a beat for.
She was the first person I always wanted to impress.
I would make the extra effort to listen to all the music she listened to,
Especially Tokio Hotel.
I even made my first lyric video on one of their songs on my first Youtube channel
(that sadly got deleted (Yes I am still mad about my channel being deleted by youtube due to copyright claims))
She was the reason why I attempted to write poetry
(this is not a poem btw)
The reason why I started reading more books.
I tried to love the things she had an everlasting passion for
Because her passion towards these things was truly a breathtaking thing to listen
to her talk about.
I remember the way her eyes would just radiate with joy when she talked about her new
favorite song, poem, movie, or book.

I never told this to anyone at the time.
But Jael noticed, either because he liked the idea of "girlongirl" action
or because he actually saw the way my mood elevated instantly when she was around.
I never told this to anyone later on.
But Lesly managed to see the truth, either because she wanted to know something about me that nobody else did
Or because she saw the way I talked about my friendship with Gladys in middle school.
I never told anyone, but they noticed.

So yeah I lied,
My first Scorpio love wasn't Andy,
it was Gladys.

So I found the first lyric video in my laptop!!! Here it is :)

My next poem

So in my school I am involved in a group called "New Literati" every month we are required to submit poems/short stories/essay/visual art. I already submitted one poem which I am quite proud of. Now we have another submission date coming up and I think my next poem will be about letting go. My last poem was about loss and now I want to write about the next phase. (The loss poem wasn't about geek dude btw, I felt if I wrote about him it would have been a hate poem, I would have had a bunch of self pity and I didn't want that lmao). Maybe i'll tie this poem to my retreat experience. The activity we did to write down our fears and throw them into a pit of fire. Maybe I'll include the hike, where we all started screaming for no good reason in the middle of the forest.  I used to think these activities were bs because I've done them before and I did nothing to change myself. Yes at the moment I always said "Now it's time for change" but two days after the retreat I went back to the old bad habits. This Freshman Retreat changed all of this. I felt and overwhelming wave of joy, and I kept it throughout these few months and it gave me the strength to cut out people from my life. it's the first time I've actually kept my word. So yeah maybe I'll write a poem about that.

The reason why there's so many missing posts (10/29/17)

So today I was reading "Sad Girls" by Lang Leav (great book, I totally recommend this!) One thing that stood out was Rad deleting his book completely from his laptop. After he had the horrible breakup with Audrey and after having his book rejected by a publisher, he shut down and deleted everything. 

This hit me kind of hard, because I did the same with most of my blog posts after a breakup. It was strange though because I even deleted things that weren't related to him. I did it because I felt shitty to the point where I thought I was completely worthless, and everything I did had no meaning, my writing meant nothing.

So I went on to my blog and randomly decided to delete 75% of my content. I have no idea how the content that was left survived that 'apocalypse' (the stuff that I deleted was completely random, I didn't even read the titles of the posts that I was deleting), but I am glad I didn't delete everything. 25% is better than 0% right? I still regret this, I deleted my most happy experiences with him and other things throughout high school. I would give anything to go back and stop myself from doing such a dumb thing. 

Chinese New Year

New lyric video,

New beginning,

Heck I finally stopped crying !!!

I haven't felt this liberated in a while,

I'm so freaking happy

that I dealt with my fear from the retreat

Chinese New Year

Campfire (9/23/17) Freshman Retreat

So I feel fine now.
I haven't thought or cried about him for several weeks.
That's improvement right?
I am so freaking happy
And nothing eventful has really happened
But I am so happy.

I think I finally let go of everything in the retreat (9-22-17~9-24-17)
I think it happened when we sat around the campfire holding our fears in a piece of paper.
I think it happened when I saw him crying
and I thought to myself "What is he crying for? What is his fear?"
I wanted to ask but decided not to because it was something internal only he could solve
I cried over you and the shitty situation under the stars
I cried for the last time besides other people who were also hurting over their past.
That was the last time I cried over you.

I was finally ready to throw my piece of paper in the fire
he said "I wish our problems could go away this easily"
I just agreed, because I know it takes work to get over a fear
It is so hard to let go of something that was a crucial part of your life.
A crucial part of your past.

And I hope this isn't temporary,
I hope this is permanent

I Am A Fucking Cancer

        Having more time to reflect on my mistakes due to the lack of social life, I am finally coming to hate myself. I have become ignorant and a selfish cunt. When I felt someone getting close I ignored them without explanations. The second person that came close I just shot them down with the college bullshit, I fucking hate this, I hate myself. I don't want to toy with anyone's emotions, but why have I already hurt two people along the way?
        Have I become that destructive hurricane? Have I become the reason hurricanes are called after names? Yes I fucking have. Without even realizing it.
      Note to self: I won't get close to anyone again until I completely heal.

Relapse (9/4/17) Freshman year College

       I am not feeling like myself lately. I have not laughed in a while, I have not even talked to people in a while. I haven't had a real conversation since the beginning of August. I am doing bad again. The first sign should have been the fact that I didn't cry when my parents dropped me off in my dorm. I didn't even cry the first night I was here on my own. 

       The second sign should have been that I made no attempt to go to the activities my university was offering. Like the breakfast/meet up at Doyle Hall or the REC fest. Why? I didn't want to interact with anyone. 

       Third sign. I am skipping meals. Not because I want to, heck I know it's bad for my health. But some days I just don't feel like getting up to eat. I don't crave food at times at all. My stomach doesn't grumble anymore. 

       Fourth sign, I don't want to talk with anyone. I am content being alone. I've spent the past 4 days alone in my dorm. I didn't feel bad either. I wasn't craving to talk to anyone. The only people I talked to were my parents. Slowly I've noticed that I haven't even been replying to my messages. I just wanted(want) to be alone. 

      Today the wave of emotions hit me, I am not okay. I am on the verge of losing my mind and I don't have a private place to go. I don't have a place where I can cry on my own without anyone asking if I am okay. I can't talk about to my roommate and I can't talk about to my best friends because they have their own things to worry about. I can't talk about it to anyone, because of all of this I haven't made new friends. This is the first time I have to deal with my emotions and i'm not sure how I can handle them in this environment. Everyday it's getting harder for me to keep things under the rug. 

Swing Set (July 17,20)

     I've gone to the park a couple of times alone now and have met little kids along the way. The first time, I went with Reyna and we talked to a kid named Julian. After that I went on my own, I wrote one of my dreams down. Once I was done I went to the swing set, I was maybe there for ten minutes. When a small four year old came up to me smiling and asked if he could sit besides me. I of course said yes, and even offered him a lift up to the seat (the seats of these swing are relatively high for a kid his age). He said no and immediately jumped on the seat. I asked for his name and he said it was Jorge. He sat there for a moment and said "I usually need my mom to push me first." I then said "Do you want to learn to how to start off on your own without any help?" Jorge smiled and said yes, I told him to mimic my body motions, and he quickly got the hang of it. After a moment of pure silence he asked "What is that journal?" I told him it was where I wrote my dreams. He said he really liked the cover, and then I asked him about his dreams. The most recent one that he remembers is of him going to school. So I assumed it was a pretty normal dream. Jorge continued describing it, at first it was a normal dream but then it turned into a nightmare when he realized he was lost in the school. I know what a poor soul! His mom came by with his little sister and they soon left afterwards. He waved and yelled bye, while his little sister also said bye.
    Today I went again alone to just get out of the house, because some thoughts kept over whelming me. I walked around a few laps, maybe read a page of "Art of War" (Amazing book by the way). Then I became bored, so obviously I went to the swing sets. I was maybe the only person at the park for thirty minutes. Then I saw mother and three kids come out of a white mini van. The girls quickly went to the playground. Five minutes later one of the girls started walking towards me. Once she was next to me she asked me if I could hold her Virtual Reality headset (First time I ever held one). She jumped on the swing and I tried to give her the VR set back. But my arms weren't long enough to reach her and hers weren't either. So we started laughing and started swing towards each other. She said that I should throw it and I obviously said no. Since we weren't getting close I just got off and gave it to her. She put it on and started listening to music while also watching the music video. Moments later she started singing the songs as well. I wanted to join in but I don't listen to the modern popular music these days. The two other girls later went to her and told her to join in doing some quest around the park. The girl said no and told them they could do it on their own. When the two girls left, I asked her why she didn't want to play with them (forgot to mention that her name is Alex). Alex said it was because she didn't like the 'quest'. I then asked her what the quest was about. Alex said "Do you see that tree in front of us? There is a small door there, that's where the elves live. They want to find the elves, but I don't, they scare me". I was going to take the easy route out and say that there was nothing in that tree, even though it did look like there was a tiny door there. So instead I told her "There is no need to be scared of them, I don't think they will be mean. Plus if they try to hurt you remember that they are elves and you can easily kick them". Alex thought about it for a moment and said "You're right! You just solved my fear! Still I want to stay here because I like talking to you". Why? I can't even have a normal conversation with someone my age without breaking into a sweat, but here is Alex actually liking my company. She asked if I came her alone and I said yes and she asked why, I said because I like being on the swings. I asked if the woman in the white t shirt that was walking around was her mom, Alex said yes. Then I asked about the two girls. The girl in the blue shirt was her sister, the one in the gray shirt was her sister's friend. Alex then started talking about her dogs. Her eldest dog barely had seven pups. I asked if she was forced to give them away, and she said they only had to give three away. Her pup is named Sophie (Just like JP's dog which I found kind of funny). Alex asked if I lived close and I said I lived in a apartment complex near by and she said "No way me too! But we're moving soon." It was a bummer to hear but she said now she got to pick which elementary school she wanted to go to. I asked if she knew what she was going to do and she said no. If she stays at school A she would get to keep her old friends, but school B can offer many opportunities to make new friends, so that's why she's undecided. She's in third grade also so I am guessing the change from schools won't be too drastic if she does decide to do that. She then proceeded to talk about her favorite music to listen to , she named off artist and I didn't recognize any of them. While she was talking I saw a girl that looked like Nubia but I wasn't sure. I kept turning around and after a few minutes she did too. Soon after Alex's mom told her it was time to go, Alex said her goodbyes and left.
     I saw Daniel come to the park and that's when I knew it was in fact Nubia. I stayed in the swings for a few minutes then decided to go to the table they were sitting at. They were playing some card game. When I arrived Nubia said "I knew it was you!" and Daniel was just surprised to see me there. Daniel asked "What happened to your sister?" and I said "She's not my sister" and he said "What! You don't know her?" I said no. He started laughing and said "Wow but you guys talked so much, that's cool." Nubia then brought up that the other two girls were playing near her and she found them creepy because they kept talking about trying to find someone. I then told them that they were trying to find elves and they laughed. Daniel explained the card game to me, but I still didn't play. I just watched Nubia beat him two times. In one game she had the upper hand and she said "I can just give you the card you need so you can at least win one time" Daniel then shot back with "No fuck that, I don't want your pity cards!" Daniel kept dropping his cards so occasionally Nubia would try to see what they were and Daniel would call her a cheater. At the end of the day they tied 2-2. Nubia's mom called her and told her it was time to go home. Daniel agreed to drop her off and he said "Stay safe" to me as they left. It was already pretty late so I decided to head back also.
I just find it weird how I always go there alone but somehow always end up talking to someone. I am not the most friendliest looking person but yet kids come to me. I guess they choose to stay because I actually listen to what they have to say.

Seat Number 5

I thought I was doing better, but the panic attack from two days ago proved me wrong. I know you don't care really but I am just letting you know, I need another break, so talk to you again on the third week of August. 

All I Wanted

   Two videos in one week? Am I okay? No I am not.

Anyways this was the second song I made a lyric video for in my old channel. I decided to remake it because the other video was trash to just re-upload

Paramore- All I wanted (Lyrics)

My Kind of Woman

This song makes gives me chills. Listening to it for three days straight. Poppy version included in these.

Heck I even made a lyric video.

Dear Reyna

   When you told me you wanted to become friends with me because I looked like a cool person, it caught me by surprise. I've never had anyone try really hard to be my friend, because I always thought of myself as average. But that is one of your most amazing qualities, you always see the best in people. You always see the best in everyday people that surround you. It's not something a lot of people have. Even if I only talked to you for our final year of high school, I am so happy to have met a person like you.     
     If I didn't meet you I would have slept everyday in psychology class. I would have had a failing grade or a C in Ms Howard's class, because let's be honest no one else would have gotten me on task. I would probably still be depressed over what happened in the beginning of June. If it weren't for that picnic, I would probably still be crying myself to sleep every night. In that picnic you told me about your insecurities, it is something that is not easy to open up about, but you still did it because you didn't want to me to feel alone on this. For that I thank you, because I have only had a couple of people that have truly opened up. Your compassion for others is something I truly admire. I've never met anyone that goes out of their way to try and make someone feel happy and loved. 

    It is sometimes sad to think that someone as amazing as you, had to go through a lot of hard experiences to be at this point in your life. Experiences that many people don't know how to handle, but you always find a way to solve them within yourself. Even if it takes time to heal, even if it takes a lot of tears, in the end you always have managed to get through all of this. Because of this it is amazing to see that you have endured all of these hard experiences and have come out a stronger person than ever. Because of this you know the right things to say to people in need. You know what advice to give. You know the right encouraging words to say so that person can get through another day feeling worth of something better. You are always there for the people you care about, even if sometimes you know they won't always stick by your side in the future. You still try, because you know what it is like to be at your lowest point, and you don't want anyone else to experience that same horrible feeling of loneliness. 

        You are caring. you are freaking hilarious, and you are beautiful. You don't care what other people think of you. That's why you and Chase were the first couple to start dancing at prom because you put away thoughts like "oh this might be embarrassing," or  "No one else is doing this" just so you could have fun and truly enjoy your time without worrying about everyone else. That is why you actually agreed to dress up as a unicorn and dance in front of the class, because it would bring a smile to person's face, and it would brighten up anyone's day. You are someone that loves bringing people together just to have some fun, and to feel the joy surrounding you. You are someone that has an amazing talent for singing and a true passion for music (especially for Hamilton). Plus you have a unique style, that's one of the first things the caught my attention, it was your 60's wardrobe. You are truly an old soul, that deserves the absolute best in life. I know you will do amazing things in the future. I know you will meet more people that truly love you and care about you in the next few chaotic years. I wish the best for you Reyna, and finally Happy Birthday.

La La Land (A movie to remember)

So back in January I saw this amazing film. I looked through my blog and I realized I completly forgot to post about it. Who knows why since this movie played a huge part in my love of music. The soundtrack in this movie is to die for! The visual cinematography took me away. The amazing chemistry between them made me cry especially at the end. Anyways this was my favorite song of the movie (also the second scene that made me cry)

The Cancer's Picnic (6/12/17) Summer of Senior year

    As I said in my last story, I had a Picnic with Rey. Geek dude talked with her over the whole cheating thing on Friday. On that same day she texted me asking if I wanted to have a picnic with her. I said yes because I also needed a person to talk to about this. Plus I was pretty excited at the fact I was going to have my very first picnic with someone. I agreed to bring fruit and the blanket to set on the floor while she brought the sandwiches and drinks.
   Monday came, I washed the cherries and oranges. I got a text from Rey saying she was making the sandwiches. Moments later she texted "OH MY GOD WHERE'S THE HAM!?" I texted back saying I also didn't have any ham. Rey said she forgot to buy it the day before so we agreed on not having any sandwiches. She came to my house at five to pick me up. Once we arrived to the park we set down the blanket and she took out the picnic basket. There was only one other person walking around. Instead of sandwiches she brought ice cream with cookies, and apples. She started laughing at the fact she forgot the most important part of a sandwich. Music was also playing quietly in the background. We started eating and then we talked about our childhood. She used to have an obsession with ants, she knew every fact about them. She tried recalling some but it was no use. I told her I also used to have an obsession with bats. Later I brought up something about Summer. Months ago I noticed Rey and Summer were becoming close friends then I noticed they stopped talking for no apparent reason. Rey told me it was because she is going to the same college and Summer's boyfriend is, and Rey sensed Summer was getting jealous. I talked to Summer recently, so I knew she is overprotective of her boyfriend, this story came as no surprise to me.
     After this small talk Rey told me she talked to Geek dude on Friday. She said he was being selfish. He only talked about him not wanting to lose me because it would mean he was going to lose his best friend, he would lose a person to hang out with. Initially he didn't touch on the fact that he hurt me. Which made Rey mad, especially when he said "I am destroyed, I feel terrible.: she then said "You feel bad? YOU feel bad? Imagine her jesus christ you cheated on her!" At this point I felt tears whelming up because I knew he didn't care. That was the only reason why I didn't respond to what she was saying because I knew if I did I was going to start crying. She then started talking about her ex boyfriend Mar. He is a year older so when she was a senior he was a freshman in college. They tried to make things work while he was off to college. Later he said he wanted the full college experience, which meant going to parties, the drinking, and hooking up with other people. Of course Rey didn't agree with this. So they also went to the liquidity state, she was in it for months, and she was miserable. It didn't save or help the relationship at all. One day he broke up with her and she begged for him to stay, because she didn't want to lose him. As I was hearing this I couldn't help but notice all the parallels of her story and mine. This made me change my mind on being 'okay' in the liquid state. After hearing this I knew I was not going to feel better in this state, Rey didn't and we're similar people, so it was no use to waste time in this miserable feeling. After the breakup she thought so low of herself. She always thought of the 'What if's" and "Maybe if I changed this, he would like me", or the "I am not good enough for him," practically the same feelings I was experiencing. Months later she finally reached the stage where she was okay, even happy with the breakup. She realized she didn't need him in her life to be happy. She didn't need to change or to worry about her physical appearance to satisfy him, because if she did change them, nothing would be any different in the relationship. Rey started writing poetry once again, she started reading, things that she once used to do before he came along.
   When we were done eating Rey took out a small pillow from her car and put it on the blanket. We both put our heads on it, and just looked at the sky as "Cigarette Daydreams" played in the background. Somehow we started talking about our elementary school bullies. We both started laughing at how pathetic they were. She also talked about the time she wanted to be the clown in a school play but she ended up being a tree. She walked up to the boy dressed as clown and yelled at him that it was Rey's rightful role. The only reason she did this was because she could have sworn she read her name as the role of the clown. Until this day she has the same stance. After a while of talking about comic book superheroes I offered to go to the swing sets. As we walked there she said "Man I haven't been in one since freshman year. I remember when I was little I never liked swing sets because I got bored easily." Once we got on we continued talking about Geek dude. At one point we both started yelling "Boys are trash!" while we swung higher and higher. Rey started laughing and said "Oh my god, I don't remember swings being this fun!" She started throwing her body back while stretching her legs outward. She told me to do it because it was fun but I was afraid due to me wearing a dress (she was also wearing a dress). She said "It don't matter gurl, do it!" and I did after so many requests. It was probably the first time I was genuinely enjoying myself since the whole cheating thing began. Rey told me how she wanted to also punch Geek dude in the face but couldn't because it wasn't going to change anything. Once she got home that day she texted Mar saying "Ugh why are you guys so dumb!" afterwards they talked about their relationship. Mar still doesn't believe he did anything wrong in the relationship. This only enraged us even more. There was talk about her also wanting to come back to him at times but then she remembers how horrible it felt, and it is honestly not worth it.
     After talking, this kid Julian started talking to Rey. He is six years old, and he doesn't live around the area. They played around for a bit at the playground. Then they came back to the swing set and he told us he didn't know how to swing by himself. So Rey was pushing him and I told him to follow my body motions and after a while, he was doing it on his own! We started racing on who could swing the highest, he eventually beat me. His mom came around and told him they had to leave and he said "Leave where?" which made Rey and I laugh. They left and we soon started packing our things
    This day could have easily been the best one of the week. Rey is one of the most beautiful and caring people out there. It honestly tore me apart hearing what she had to go through. Because she is the person that always makes the class laugh, or is the person that is there when someone needs advice. She has the brightest smile that can easily lift up someone's day. I thank her for this. She is the one that made wake up on what was actually happening. She made me see the harsh truth that geek dude doesn't care. Something I was so scared of believing, she helped me understand and cope with that reality. She also made me realize I am not alone in this healing process. This was the first time we bonded on this kind of level. It was a special kind of picnic because we both talked about our vulnerable points, and fears. And surprise surprise we are both Cancers! After this day at the park I've honestly felt better. Before this meeting, I was crying every night over the relationship, I put myself in the worst thoughts and feelings. Rey has shown me I am worth so much more than this. I will forever be grateful for her.

The Worst Two Weeks of Summer? (6/3/17- 6/16/17) Senior Year

  It all started with a small  Saturday theater party. I couldn't go due to my parents being strict, and also the fact that I didn't really talk to the people that were going to be at the party (except for geek dude). So Geek dude went even though we knew that there was going to be alcohol. When I first found out about it, I was weary but I wasn't going to hold him back from hanging out with his friends. On Saturday he left, at midnight he messaged me saying he was going to sleep over at the house, and that he had been drinking. By this time I did get worried but I didn't say anything, I didn't want to be a killjoy. Next day around the afternoon he texted me saying "I fucked up". He got wasted apparently and blacked out, because he couldn't recall some things that happened. The things he did remember was a game of Truth or Dare. Someone dared him to kiss a girl and he did. He said he was drunk and she was drunk so it didn't mean anything. Then someone asked "wait don't you have a girlfriend" and geek dude said "oh yeah", someone else then said "They're going to break up at the end of summer so she doesn't matter" (Geek dude and I agreed to break up several months back due to us being away from each other in college, he is going to Maine while I stay in Texas). When I read this I started crying but I kept telling myself it was nothing. I pretended it didn't bother me so I could get the entire story out of him. I knew if i said i was already crying from that, he would not tell me the rest, He then said they made out even more because they dared them again. They slept next to each other, and when he woke up he tried waking her up. By this time he said he was already sober. When she woke up they just started making out again. This broke me. The worst part was he didn't even apologize for what he did. He asked "You're not mad?" I said no, because instead I was just sad. I probably had the worst panic attack after hearing this. He went on to tell the story because I told him to. The apology never came. It came on Monday when I showed a sign of me being affected by it. I told him he never apologized for what he did and he said "I didn't? Oh well sorry about this".
   By this point I made up my mind to break up with him, I told my best friend I was going to on Tuesday. Until then I was going to pretend everything was fine just to see what else he was going to say about the topic. Tuesday came and I couldn't do it. We watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and everything was fine. Moments after the movie ended I broke down crying. He hugged me and asked what was bothering me. I told him it was the thing that happened on Saturday night and Sunday morning. He told me to talk about it, and i couldn't every time i tried the words didn't come out due to me crying too much. So instead I took out a letter that explained everything that I was feeling about it. I wrote it soon after the panic attack, I wrote until I felt more at ease. I gave him the letter and he explained himself. He said he didn't apologize right after because he thought I didn't care. I didn't blame him it was my fault I didn't communicate my side on all of this. When he was done he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that everyone is telling me to break up with him but personally I still wanted to be in the relationship ( I know it's not wise , curse these feelings). He then said we should be in between. We will still do couple things but we would not hold the relationship status of us officially dating. This again made my heart sink. Because it was clear he didn't care enough. I was dumb enough to accept this lousy offer. In my head I just thought "Okay this is the only way I won't completely lose him. Anyways it's just a title that I am losing." I came home told my best guy friend that we didn't officially break up. He said he wasn't going to be my friend until i broke up with geek dude. He wasn't going to see me tear myself apart in this toxic relationship. I wasn't mad at him for doing this, I knew I was doing myself harm. So he stopped talking to me.
   A couple days passed and this 'liquidity state' between me and geek dude was tearing me apart. I only got worse. Yes it was amazing every time we saw each other, but it was completely dreadful each time I heard him say "Hey gtg, going to hang out with ______" (the girl he kissed). They still kept on talking and hanging out, even more than before the kiss. On June 12, my friend Reyna invited me to go to a picnic with her. I agreed, obviously. After the picnic was over I knew what I had to do. I had to confront geek dude once again and tell him I couldn't be in this liquid state. We were going to be in a relationship, and if not then it's better if we broke off the relationship completely. We hanged out, I cried before I could talk about it. So he then started talking. He said it is better if we broke off the relationship because everyone is just telling us to. At this point I didn't say anything and I just agreed, there was no use in trying to talk him out of this. I cried even more and he said to try and get over it and that I didn't deserve everything that was happening. He offered to walk me home and I said no. He said "I don't want it to end like this, I don't want us to remember this horrible event as the last thing in our relationship." I started walking out and said "But it did end this way." We finally broke up on the 13th. On the walk home I texted my best friend and told him it was over. After a long week without the support of my best friend I was happy I got him back. Me and geek dude were still talking afterwards as friends. He kept on telling me he hanged out with the girl, he even went to her house a couple times. I couldn't hear it without crying. It still affects me. So on Sunday I told him I needed to stop talking to him for a couple of weeks. I need this free time to get over him. I need to get it in my head that he will no longer be as close to me as he was before, and that he is moving on. Something that I need to learn how to do. Sometimes I wish I did hate him so it could be easier to move on. But after all the bad things he has done, I still don't hate him.

Change (5/25/17) Last day of Senior Year

  Today was my last day of high school. Today is the day I realized I need to change. In college I will not be the quiet person that sits in the back of the classroom, like I described myself in my scrapbook. I will ask questions. I will make myself be noticed. Today my old English III teacher said to geek dude "Your letter of recommendation was so easy to write about, for other students I really have to dig down the barrel. I mean they show up? But other than that I can't write about them." I realized I was that student, the ones teachers can't write about. My quiet nature is not memorable, I need to become more outgoing in the future, or else I will be forgotten in less than a year. Most of my teachers forget my name, and I don't blame them they have to teach hundreds of students every year. But it always feels terrible when my fellow classmates are so easily remembered without struggle.
        I want to read back on this in a year and be happy that I have finally made improvement. I don't want to read this in a year and be disappointed at the fact that I have not changed.
I will make another list for college goals to accomplish, just like I did for high school.
I can proudly say I have completed every goal I set out for high school, but now I need a new one.

My List of Things to Accomplish:
-Join Organizations
-Do volunteering project
-Go on camping trips every time you get a chance
-Become closer to God
-Don't fall into temptation so easily
-Become more outgoing
-Ask questions to professors
-Study (Actually study)
-Be Social, don't sit in the back waiting for things to happen.
-Don't get discouraged easily, everyone has setbacks (They are not permanent).

I will do this

Cough Syrup 10/07/16 (Senior year)

     Sorry but I forgot what happened on this day (school day). I know the concert was on Friday. Me and geek dude bought the ticket three days prior to the actual concert day. Mind you I do not listen to Ra Ra Riot or Young the Giant so I was not dying to see them (geek dude was) on Friday. I was happy at the fact that I was going to my second concert (First one La Dispute). When Friday rolled around it fully hit me I was going to a concert so I got extremely excited. I could not believe that my parents actually let me go on this concert on such a short notice. Especially for a concert that starts at 8pm. I was even close to not asking them because I was sure they were not going to let me go. Anyways

Geek dude and me listened to some of their songs so I could at least recognize some at the concert. School ended, I went home.

    7pm came around and I was ready to go to the concert with Geek dude. We arrived, and the line was already big for the entry pass. Luckily the line didn't take too long. Then we saw another line to what we thought was the staircase leading to the balcony section. Ten minutes later I realized we were waiting in the Merch line (merch store was right besides staircase). I told him this and we went upstairs to sit in our balcony seats. I know seats restrict the concert experience but me being short I could not be in the open bottom floor because I would have not been able to see anything. 

   The concert started with Ra Ra Riot the crowd was somewhat still. We clapped a lot for them but the crowd was not too hyped for them. When Young the Giant came on stage, oh my lord the crowd went crazy. I could tell the band fed off their energy. The lead singer was dancing around stage and hitting a small drum. In one song the whole band started dancing a choreographed dance along with the music. Since me and Geek dude were in the balcony we could see a lot of weird things people were doing. When people threw up their hands to move to the beat some people were giving thumbs up. Other were just moving their hands drastically like they were having a seizure. There was a guy in the back jumping frantically. A guy with a long white beard in the opposite balcony on the edge dancing along with the music. Then the song "cough syrup" came on and I was completely taken away with the song. It was my first time hearing the song and I fell in love with it. Halfway through the song I turned to my left and the lady sitting besides me started crying with joy while her friends hugged her and cried with her. In the open floor everyone was flowing with the melody. Probably the most amazing sight I have ever seen in a concert.

After the concert ended me and Geek dude went to the open space, and there was a lot of trash on the floor. It was also very sticky, which kind of made me happy we weren't at the bottom.
We went outside shortly after and there was a shirtless guy playing drums on a few plastic buckets. Of course everyone stayed to record while Geek dude and I just enjoyed the beat.

Overall I loved the concert even if I didn't listen to the band prior to this day. I am truly thankful that Geek dude took me to this concert, a concert that I would have never dreamed of going on my own. And now Cough Syrup will stay with me for a while.