It all started with a small Saturday theater party. I couldn't go due to my parents being strict, and also the fact that I didn't really talk to the people that were going to be at the party (except for geek dude). So Geek dude went even though we knew that there was going to be alcohol. When I first found out about it, I was weary but I wasn't going to hold him back from hanging out with his friends. On Saturday he left, at midnight he messaged me saying he was going to sleep over at the house, and that he had been drinking. By this time I did get worried but I didn't say anything, I didn't want to be a killjoy. Next day around the afternoon he texted me saying "I fucked up". He got wasted apparently and blacked out, because he couldn't recall some things that happened. The things he did remember was a game of Truth or Dare. Someone dared him to kiss a girl and he did. He said he was drunk and she was drunk so it didn't mean anything. Then someone asked "wait don't you have a girlfriend" and geek dude said "oh yeah", someone else then said "They're going to break up at the end of summer so she doesn't matter" (Geek dude and I agreed to break up several months back due to us being away from each other in college, he is going to Maine while I stay in Texas). When I read this I started crying but I kept telling myself it was nothing. I pretended it didn't bother me so I could get the entire story out of him. I knew if i said i was already crying from that, he would not tell me the rest, He then said they made out even more because they dared them again. They slept next to each other, and when he woke up he tried waking her up. By this time he said he was already sober. When she woke up they just started making out again. This broke me. The worst part was he didn't even apologize for what he did. He asked "You're not mad?" I said no, because instead I was just sad. I probably had the worst panic attack after hearing this. He went on to tell the story because I told him to. The apology never came. It came on Monday when I showed a sign of me being affected by it. I told him he never apologized for what he did and he said "I didn't? Oh well sorry about this".
By this point I made up my mind to break up with him, I told my best friend I was going to on Tuesday. Until then I was going to pretend everything was fine just to see what else he was going to say about the topic. Tuesday came and I couldn't do it. We watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and everything was fine. Moments after the movie ended I broke down crying. He hugged me and asked what was bothering me. I told him it was the thing that happened on Saturday night and Sunday morning. He told me to talk about it, and i couldn't every time i tried the words didn't come out due to me crying too much. So instead I took out a letter that explained everything that I was feeling about it. I wrote it soon after the panic attack, I wrote until I felt more at ease. I gave him the letter and he explained himself. He said he didn't apologize right after because he thought I didn't care. I didn't blame him it was my fault I didn't communicate my side on all of this. When he was done he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that everyone is telling me to break up with him but personally I still wanted to be in the relationship ( I know it's not wise , curse these feelings). He then said we should be in between. We will still do couple things but we would not hold the relationship status of us officially dating. This again made my heart sink. Because it was clear he didn't care enough. I was dumb enough to accept this lousy offer. In my head I just thought "Okay this is the only way I won't completely lose him. Anyways it's just a title that I am losing." I came home told my best guy friend that we didn't officially break up. He said he wasn't going to be my friend until i broke up with geek dude. He wasn't going to see me tear myself apart in this toxic relationship. I wasn't mad at him for doing this, I knew I was doing myself harm. So he stopped talking to me.
A couple days passed and this 'liquidity state' between me and geek dude was tearing me apart. I only got worse. Yes it was amazing every time we saw each other, but it was completely dreadful each time I heard him say "Hey gtg, going to hang out with ______" (the girl he kissed). They still kept on talking and hanging out, even more than before the kiss. On June 12, my friend Reyna invited me to go to a picnic with her. I agreed, obviously. After the picnic was over I knew what I had to do. I had to confront geek dude once again and tell him I couldn't be in this liquid state. We were going to be in a relationship, and if not then it's better if we broke off the relationship completely. We hanged out, I cried before I could talk about it. So he then started talking. He said it is better if we broke off the relationship because everyone is just telling us to. At this point I didn't say anything and I just agreed, there was no use in trying to talk him out of this. I cried even more and he said to try and get over it and that I didn't deserve everything that was happening. He offered to walk me home and I said no. He said "I don't want it to end like this, I don't want us to remember this horrible event as the last thing in our relationship." I started walking out and said "But it did end this way." We finally broke up on the 13th. On the walk home I texted my best friend and told him it was over. After a long week without the support of my best friend I was happy I got him back. Me and geek dude were still talking afterwards as friends. He kept on telling me he hanged out with the girl, he even went to her house a couple times. I couldn't hear it without crying. It still affects me. So on Sunday I told him I needed to stop talking to him for a couple of weeks. I need this free time to get over him. I need to get it in my head that he will no longer be as close to me as he was before, and that he is moving on. Something that I need to learn how to do. Sometimes I wish I did hate him so it could be easier to move on. But after all the bad things he has done, I still don't hate him.
No comments:
Post a Comment