loser era (kind of?)

So it's been a month or two since I've initially found out that I was not accepted into the master's program that I had applied for. Initially I got the email before the date of the deadline, which threw me off. I contacted the advisor to confirm my denial was accurate. They said yes and to contact another person from the department to ask the reasoning behind their decision. Honestly I was scared to reach out but I was scared of not knowing what exactly took me out as a candidate. Weeks passed until I finally decided to ask, and yeah it was my GPA!!! I had a sinking feeling my GPA was going to be an obstacle in this process. 

I was sort of felt relived that it was only my GPA, but also bummed that it was still a major obstacle. Even if they look at my last few semesters. That's where my lower grades reside in. It made sense considering it was the year 2020 and 2021 lol, but whatever it's in the past. I felt weird telling my parents and my bosses at work about it. I spoke to my counselor and I cried about it. Thankfully, I did there. When I told my mom yesterday she said "Oh I guess they didn't want you. You can tell your bosses you're just not thinking about a masters anymore" okay?? I know she has a weird way of saying things, but yeah honestly I did feel like crying. She also mentioned "oh well I guess you weren't good enough" which is something I always end up telling myself when I feel down. It did not feel good hearing it out loud. 

These past few months I feel like there have been a lot of inconveniences. First getting sick twice in the span of several weeks. One time with a mild case of bronchitis the other with covid. This almost made me miss my best friends wedding but thankfully I was good by the time her day rolled around! Then it was m violin. I went to get it repaired. Went out with my gemini friend to an edm club night and once I came back the bottom part was snapped off. I still need to get it fixed again lol. That was the unlucky day where I already had strange feelings festering up, that when I saw my violin in that state i broke down crying.  During the club night I felt like I was disassociating, It was such a good time with gemini girl. But towards the end I felt myself withdrawing. It was too god to be true. I felt like I didnt deserve a good night. At the end I was left feeling terrible by the time I went to sleep. Then yeah my phone broke completely and I had to shelve out money for a phone that I think was accidentally overcharged> I could not dispute it because I did not have a receipt. So yeah a lot small things have happened??

But a lot of good things have also happened.

Throughout this time I've gotten to know gemini girl better. I started reading new books! Started talking to my other uni friends more! We had a good online hang out session where we just spoke about superheroes, and another one where we did escape text games. I love moments like these. 

But yeah the whole masters program thing definitely was a big hit but I can try again at my former school! I like to think of this as my ball boy era. Hinata had to face so many rejections despite wanting to advance so much. Despite his efforts and wishes he just wasn't good enough and things didn't work out in his favor, but he fought through it all to earn himself a spot. His story continues to inspire me. This is just a small set back but I'll continue to work towards my goal like he does! I admire his strength and persistence and pure pure optimism. I hope to reach the same heights as him ( a fictional character lol), and I hope to not give up on myself despite what others think. I will do this !!!

meeting someone for the first time again

 Having crushes feels weird after so long without having one-

Honestly I feel insane every time I like someone. It seems a bit obsessive and I constantly have to remind myself to take a step back. At the same time I also feel like I forget about it as well? I get big waves of emotions but they leave easily if enough time passes. 

The last time I had a crush on someone it was probably 2018, and we ended up dating. Obviously that ended, and I haven't had an interest in anyone since then. It was strange when in 2023 I started talking to someone that I briefly knew in high school. Back then I always thought she was cool, we were involved in a few extracurricular activities but we never became close friends. Surprising as that was. I wish we had talked more then but then again I was a completely different person. I might have been too annoying back in the day. 

Anyways we got to talking about one of the kpop groups we were into during that time. I would occasionally reply to one of her stories and she would comment on some of mine. Eventually we added eachother on tiktok and funny enough we started talking more on there. Most of our conversations revolved around what we liked in media. We would get excited if we found out the other person was interested in something we liked (but not many people knew). It was interesting because I was telling her about things I didn't tell other people too often, in fear of being viewed as "weird", but it wasn't with her because she liked it as well. 

One thing we didn't talk about though was our real lives haha. We never discussed where we lived or where we worked, or what we had been up to after high school. Until one day she texted me with "hey weird question. i've been wondering about this, but do you live in [insert city]?" I dont know why but that question immediately sent me to a panic when i saw it in my notification bar. It was the first time we spoke about ourselves outside of our interests. It also meant that if I said yes there was a possibility of us meeting in person. I replied with yes I am in the same city. Then it was the first time we spoke about what we had been up to since graduation. We sent long replies on updates and overall it was nice learning more about her. A few days later she said "crazy question but are you available next week?". We decided to meet up at a cafe that was nearby to talk. 

The days leading up to it my anxiety grew so much I even thought about cancelling. I'm glad I didn't, our conversation flowed so well. My hands were sweaty and my heart wouldn't calm itself down. I didn't know what to expect, I just sat nervously in one of the tables waiting for her to arrive. I was not sure if I was nervous because I was essentially meeting someone "new" or if it was because there were underlying feelings. Once she arrived a smile immediately settled on my face. It was strange it felt like she looked like what I had remembered from her image back in high school. But this time she literally glowed. It was probably 6pm? The sun was setting and the cafe was getting darker, only a few rays of sunshine came through the small windows. I could tell we were both a little nervous and tense but we lightened up the more we spoke of our experiences. I remember at one point the light perfectly highlighted her as she laughed. I remember thinking wow this literally feels like a movie even the lighting was just emphasizing her light aura. I kind of felt like laughed at how everything aligned so well. At one point of our meeting she mentioned she met one of our former classmates. I had a sinking feeling that it was probably my high school ex. I was right. When she kept describing him all of it was lining up to the person I was thinking about. Finally I said "is this person ___?" and she said "Yes! I'm not sure if you know him" and I replied with "Yeah! We dated". Immediately she said "Oh! I'm sorry I didn't know". We both kind of laughed about it and then we spoke about our previous relationships and "almost have been's". I loved that we generally opened up easily. We spoke about love and queerness, and the mess of the people that are straight. I did find it a little unfortunate that my mood shifted slightly at the mention of the ex. But overall I didn't let it overtake the entire meet up. We talked until it was almost closing time at the cafe. I wanted to stay longer with her but I decided it was enough for a first meeting. I had parked far away and she offered to drive me to my spot. I gladly accepted and before I left her car, we added each other on spotify. We slightly discussed our silly spotify playlist names before we left. 

I waited for a while for her to leave first and when enough time passed I just let out a nervous laugh. I felt amazing. I went out of my comfort zone to meet with someone. Someone New (kind of?) and went to a place I hadn't gone before, and the world didn't end because of it. I usually have a hard time trying new things but this was different. It was scary but I felt good by the end of it. At the time my feelings weren't completely defined, I was just excited at the prospect of getting to know someone.

originally written in Feb. 2025 (finished writing on april lmfao)

new beginnings

 

I finally started seeing a therapist! I feel a lot more moody these days, but I'm okay with that. I think it's because this is the first time I am confronting my feelings head on. I have before, but it was always due to the circumstance. Now is the time I initiated this on my own. I really like her so far, shes very understanding and she always seems to look for new ways to engage with me. I appreciate her work and kindness!! 

It's been around a month? I already cried in our third session haha. Unexpectedly so. 

written in June something 2024

wishes for the future

 It's been a while since I have wanted to write a post on here but I want to put out a couple things now. Lately I have been feeling restless. Things are not bad BAD but I don't feel at ease with myself at the moment. I have a constant feeling that I could be doing more. I am content with my job but I feel like I deserve more. This is a first for me, I usually feel like I don't deserve what I have. Maybe it's because money is stretching thin these days in between paying for basic living expenses and my student debt. I can't afford to move out on my own even though I feel that I am ready to have my own space. I like living with my family but I miss being with friends and the random night outings. In the past 2-3years after graduation I feel like I have stopped living and experiencing new things. I know I have come across new things like jobs but none of it fills me with excitement. I don't think I have found what I am meant to do. Every time visit my friends in other towns I find myself feeling inspired or motivated, I don't feel this here. I just feel indifference. I think that's why I want to have roommates again because it was so easy to talk to other people about plans. It was also fun doing unplanned projects/activities. I miss the feeling of community (that is not family).

For the upcoming year I want to live with other roommates in a another city. I want to be more independent in terms of meal preps and transportation. I have gotten too comfortable with my parents alleviating that area. I want to soothe my curiosity with new experiences and new people. I want to learn more and talk more with others. I want to be out of my bubble once again. I also want to gai more confidence in myself to look for jobs that align more with what I like. I am still not sure what that is but I need to lose the fear of exploring. I want to be someone that serves people. I want to be useful and resourceful. All of this just makes me feel like maybe I am a 'career girlie' haha. Recently I saw a tarot video talking about my zodiac placements and how i the next year we will feel more restless and how its the way our body communicates to our soul to pursue a new purpose. I wonder if these feelings I am now feeling will amplify too. 

anyways stepping stones to make this a reality:

-Wake up early enough to drive (also get my licenseyikess)

-Scout the job landscape in the city i want to live in 

    -also maybe reach out to person i interned w in the past for tips??

-Stay in contact w the friend I want to move into w

    -make solid plans about a visiting trip to the city 

-Stick to an exercise routine cut the junk food a little more 

-Get used to cooking once again. 

    -make an effort to learn to cook on the weekends w my mom. I don't want to lose traditional recipes that is the only thing I can hold on to from my parents country. 

    -go grocery shopping more often w them.

-Learn as much as I can at my current job.

-Be comfortable with making/bad/ art

- Learn how to take care of myself.

    - hair routines, learning how to style it

    - learning how to put on cohesive outfits. I'm tired of the tshirt+shorts combo.

-Learn about myself more.

    -join online classes or watch youtube series about a certain topic

That's all I have for now. I just wanted to write out my thought process into something tangible <3

A little over a year ag

     I am at work reading through my old essays from college, and I realized I was not the worst writer. I always used to consider myself a weak writer while I was in school. In comparison to my peers, I was slow to come up with an essay, and I constantly had to go back and change sentence structures. In reality though the content of the essays were good to read through, I was shocked at how I came up with those ideas. When I look back at my old work I find it hard to believe I am the same person that wrote/made them. When working on these projects I go into a deep "workmode" and don't stop working until I am done with the majority, this is why I never had a good planning phase with my writing. I waited for inspiration to strike and just worked for days. 

    I'm not sure if I still have that ignition for inspiration. Over the years I feel like I have become less creative. This is a terrifying thought for me. I've always liked that i'm overall "creative" even if i don't feel like it at the moment of creating something. But every time I look back at my old work I always think "Why was I so harsh on myself? This is not bad at all." Then I get sad over the fact that I've wasted time being so hard on myself, when I should have been enjoying everything I had to experience. Maybe I am still doing this. Now I am making mostly kpop related collages, and I don't feel too confident about them. They always seem flat, or they came out in an underwhelming way from what I envisioned in my head. Hopefully i grow to like them in the future, but in the meanwhile I am still not content with them. 

    In terms of work I finally got the courage to stop working at the selfie store. I enjoyed my time there and the people that I worked with. I made some genuine connections, and I honestly got lucky that I was placed in a very welcoming and friendly environment. Despite the good social aspect I felt like I wasn't growing in my career. I'm not sure if i felt stuck because of a societal pressure to constantly move upwards or if I was genuinely anxious. But after a couple months of not feeling satisfied I decided to look for another place to go to. Funny enough I went to target after work and decided to get a lunch bag for "my new job" despite me not fully committing to the idea of job searching yet. I think that was a delusional side of me, but i thank those little outbursts. After that i looked for jobs and applied to one. Surprisingly enough i got the job offer. Even though I could probably be winning more money (enough to move out), I still decided to take it. I know job offers come hard with only a bachelor's in psych. 

    So far I really enjoy it. I get to talk and interact with patients. Plus my immediate supervisor is nice and friendly. I know I can be slow when it come to learning new tasks, but she still works with me despite that. One time she said she also used to be really quiet, maybe I remind her of her younger self. Whatever it is I am thankful for her kindness. Sometimes I feel okay here but other times I doubt myself to the point where I don't even want to show up to work. I really hope I don't discourage myself to the point of quitting. I am quite literally the only thing in the way of my own success. This has not changed since I was little, but I am trying to get better. I wish I didn't make things harder than they have to be. When I look at others I always think why am I stressing over something other people don't even think about? Why do I have to ponder it long past the date of occurrence? One time my therapist told me that I have courage for constantly going out into the world despite it feeling like it's ending for me. I constantly have to face my fears because they are unavoidable. but yeah I'm tired , I don't know why I wrote this but I really wish I didn't feel this way.

almost a month later

May 21, 2019

Officially broken up. I was basically six feet under in the first few days. I am thankful for my best friend for being there in the initial hit. For the four am meltdown after remembering the memory. And the day where it was officially done. I am also thankful for pisces friend for hearing about all of my anxieties and giving great advice. He really didn't have to but i'm glad that he was around after i asked the dumb question about the name tag on the boy with luv comeback sleepover with mels.
Everything has felt hard after April and i'm not sure when I will be completely fine. It also hurts to see pices friend going through the same thing with Mels, he has so much love to offer. But I am also happy for Mel for moving on, i don't know if she still has feelings for him but as long as she's happy i'm glad. this just puts me in a weird position where I hear him and see him crumbling down as i go down with him with my own guilt and sorrow. It's weird to hear him talk because it feels as I am the one talking and vise versa. sometimes venting to each other when one person is fine seems to be dangerous because of this similar thought process the other is more easily going to slip into the same process. But sometimes that's all we need? to just feel things without holding back. Sometimes we do lift eachother up out of it which is nice. It's nice to have a friend like this. I really do wish things between him and Mel work out. I really do wish they are both happy with whatever outcome they will receive. They are such good people. I really do want them to be happy.
I also want my ex to be happy. In these past few days I have finally started to come to my senses. The posts of love from her mutuals no longer make me jealous or sad at the fact that I am not the person giving those complients. I am fine with it, I even get happy now seeing how much she is surrounded with people that appreciate her. After going so long without anyone that was close to her, I am happy she is opening up to wonderful people. Even if i'm not a part of the narrative. Even if I feel like I need to detach from it all to make it easier for ariesperson, I am happy for my ex, she has come a long way and really does deserve the love from everyone.
I love you, and I will always remember you. You will also always be my Scorpio soulmate, and I am so happy for sharing our small set of experiences together. I really am, you have warmed my heart at a time where I thought there was nothing good when it came to love. I am sorry that this playful and lighthearted relationship turned to something to heavy for both of us to carry. I really do wish things turned out differently, but I am not going to force change to the outcome. I have come to realize my mistakes in handing you everything to carry, and in assuming the worst of our lack of communication. There's no excuse for that, and i really do apologize for instilling any negative emotions on to you. You really didn't deserve any of it. But I know that you are surrounding by better people now that won't hurt you, and I'm happy .

no idea

We are taking a break. I don't know for how long but I hate that I can't talk to her anymore. I hate not being able to see her at all. I hate not having her with me. I haven't this hollow in such a long time. I know I am just being selfish but I can't help it. I can't stop crying randomly. I even missed class so I could cry freely, and i'm thinking of missing class tomorrow and I just feel hopeless. I need help but time won't allow me to get help. I'm tired. I m really tired and I can't ask her to stay by me and give me constant motivation because it must be so draining. I think this is the best option for now, to take a break but i really wished it didn't have to come to this. I feel worse, I feel like I can't talk to anyone, I feel like I don't belong here. I am even starting to feel like maybe getting in to the AU was  a mistake and we were never meant to meet. I still think she is better off without me, I know she would say the opposite. But i can't help but think she would be so much happier not being trapped in a relationship with a person like me. I love her so much which makes all of this hurts even more to say. I wish all of this didn't come back to me right now. I wish the memories didn't come back at all. All remembering has done to me is lose things. I don't want to lose the self lvoe I had already worked so hard to build up. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose my friends because of my distanced nature right now. I just don't want to remember.
But oh well I am dealing with it right now