new beginnings

 

I finally started seeing a therapist! I feel a lot more moody these days, but I'm okay with that. I think it's because this is the first time I am confronting my feelings head on. I have before, but it was always due to the circumstance. Now is the time I initiated this on my own. I really like her so far, shes very understanding and she always seems to look for new ways to engage with me. I appreciate her work and kindness!! 

It's been around a month? I already cried in our third session haha. Unexpectedly so. 

written in June something 2024

wishes for the future

 It's been a while since I have wanted to write a post on here but I want to put out a couple things now. Lately I have been feeling restless. Things are not bad BAD but I don't feel at ease with myself at the moment. I have a constant feeling that I could be doing more. I am content with my job but I feel like I deserve more. This is a first for me, I usually feel like I don't deserve what I have. Maybe it's because money is stretching thin these days in between paying for basic living expenses and my student debt. I can't afford to move out on my own even though I feel that I am ready to have my own space. I like living with my family but I miss being with friends and the random night outings. In the past 2-3years after graduation I feel like I have stopped living and experiencing new things. I know I have come across new things like jobs but none of it fills me with excitement. I don't think I have found what I am meant to do. Every time visit my friends in other towns I find myself feeling inspired or motivated, I don't feel this here. I just feel indifference. I think that's why I want to have roommates again because it was so easy to talk to other people about plans. It was also fun doing unplanned projects/activities. I miss the feeling of community (that is not family).

For the upcoming year I want to live with other roommates in a another city. I want to be more independent in terms of meal preps and transportation. I have gotten too comfortable with my parents alleviating that area. I want to soothe my curiosity with new experiences and new people. I want to learn more and talk more with others. I want to be out of my bubble once again. I also want to gai more confidence in myself to look for jobs that align more with what I like. I am still not sure what that is but I need to lose the fear of exploring. I want to be someone that serves people. I want to be useful and resourceful. All of this just makes me feel like maybe I am a 'career girlie' haha. Recently I saw a tarot video talking about my zodiac placements and how i the next year we will feel more restless and how its the way our body communicates to our soul to pursue a new purpose. I wonder if these feelings I am now feeling will amplify too. 

anyways stepping stones to make this a reality:

-Wake up early enough to drive (also get my licenseyikess)

-Scout the job landscape in the city i want to live in 

    -also maybe reach out to person i interned w in the past for tips??

-Stay in contact w the friend I want to move into w

    -make solid plans about a visiting trip to the city 

-Stick to an exercise routine cut the junk food a little more 

-Get used to cooking once again. 

    -make an effort to learn to cook on the weekends w my mom. I don't want to lose traditional recipes that is the only thing I can hold on to from my parents country. 

    -go grocery shopping more often w them.

-Learn as much as I can at my current job.

-Be comfortable with making/bad/ art

- Learn how to take care of myself.

    - hair routines, learning how to style it

    - learning how to put on cohesive outfits. I'm tired of the tshirt+shorts combo.

-Learn about myself more.

    -join online classes or watch youtube series about a certain topic

That's all I have for now. I just wanted to write out my thought process into something tangible <3

A little over a year ag

     I am at work reading through my old essays from college, and I realized I was not the worst writer. I always used to consider myself a weak writer while I was in school. In comparison to my peers, I was slow to come up with an essay, and I constantly had to go back and change sentence structures. In reality though the content of the essays were good to read through, I was shocked at how I came up with those ideas. When I look back at my old work I find it hard to believe I am the same person that wrote/made them. When working on these projects I go into a deep "workmode" and don't stop working until I am done with the majority, this is why I never had a good planning phase with my writing. I waited for inspiration to strike and just worked for days. 

    I'm not sure if I still have that ignition for inspiration. Over the years I feel like I have become less creative. This is a terrifying thought for me. I've always liked that i'm overall "creative" even if i don't feel like it at the moment of creating something. But every time I look back at my old work I always think "Why was I so harsh on myself? This is not bad at all." Then I get sad over the fact that I've wasted time being so hard on myself, when I should have been enjoying everything I had to experience. Maybe I am still doing this. Now I am making mostly kpop related collages, and I don't feel too confident about them. They always seem flat, or they came out in an underwhelming way from what I envisioned in my head. Hopefully i grow to like them in the future, but in the meanwhile I am still not content with them. 

    In terms of work I finally got the courage to stop working at the selfie store. I enjoyed my time there and the people that I worked with. I made some genuine connections, and I honestly got lucky that I was placed in a very welcoming and friendly environment. Despite the good social aspect I felt like I wasn't growing in my career. I'm not sure if i felt stuck because of a societal pressure to constantly move upwards or if I was genuinely anxious. But after a couple months of not feeling satisfied I decided to look for another place to go to. Funny enough I went to target after work and decided to get a lunch bag for "my new job" despite me not fully committing to the idea of job searching yet. I think that was a delusional side of me, but i thank those little outbursts. After that i looked for jobs and applied to one. Surprisingly enough i got the job offer. Even though I could probably be winning more money (enough to move out), I still decided to take it. I know job offers come hard with only a bachelor's in psych. 

    So far I really enjoy it. I get to talk and interact with patients. Plus my immediate supervisor is nice and friendly. I know I can be slow when it come to learning new tasks, but she still works with me despite that. One time she said she also used to be really quiet, maybe I remind her of her younger self. Whatever it is I am thankful for her kindness. Sometimes I feel okay here but other times I doubt myself to the point where I don't even want to show up to work. I really hope I don't discourage myself to the point of quitting. I am quite literally the only thing in the way of my own success. This has not changed since I was little, but I am trying to get better. I wish I didn't make things harder than they have to be. When I look at others I always think why am I stressing over something other people don't even think about? Why do I have to ponder it long past the date of occurrence? One time my therapist told me that I have courage for constantly going out into the world despite it feeling like it's ending for me. I constantly have to face my fears because they are unavoidable. but yeah I'm tired , I don't know why I wrote this but I really wish I didn't feel this way.

almost a month later

May 21, 2019

Officially broken up. I was basically six feet under in the first few days. I am thankful for my best friend for being there in the initial hit. For the four am meltdown after remembering the memory. And the day where it was officially done. I am also thankful for pisces friend for hearing about all of my anxieties and giving great advice. He really didn't have to but i'm glad that he was around after i asked the dumb question about the name tag on the boy with luv comeback sleepover with mels.
Everything has felt hard after April and i'm not sure when I will be completely fine. It also hurts to see pices friend going through the same thing with Mels, he has so much love to offer. But I am also happy for Mel for moving on, i don't know if she still has feelings for him but as long as she's happy i'm glad. this just puts me in a weird position where I hear him and see him crumbling down as i go down with him with my own guilt and sorrow. It's weird to hear him talk because it feels as I am the one talking and vise versa. sometimes venting to each other when one person is fine seems to be dangerous because of this similar thought process the other is more easily going to slip into the same process. But sometimes that's all we need? to just feel things without holding back. Sometimes we do lift eachother up out of it which is nice. It's nice to have a friend like this. I really do wish things between him and Mel work out. I really do wish they are both happy with whatever outcome they will receive. They are such good people. I really do want them to be happy.
I also want my ex to be happy. In these past few days I have finally started to come to my senses. The posts of love from her mutuals no longer make me jealous or sad at the fact that I am not the person giving those complients. I am fine with it, I even get happy now seeing how much she is surrounded with people that appreciate her. After going so long without anyone that was close to her, I am happy she is opening up to wonderful people. Even if i'm not a part of the narrative. Even if I feel like I need to detach from it all to make it easier for ariesperson, I am happy for my ex, she has come a long way and really does deserve the love from everyone.
I love you, and I will always remember you. You will also always be my Scorpio soulmate, and I am so happy for sharing our small set of experiences together. I really am, you have warmed my heart at a time where I thought there was nothing good when it came to love. I am sorry that this playful and lighthearted relationship turned to something to heavy for both of us to carry. I really do wish things turned out differently, but I am not going to force change to the outcome. I have come to realize my mistakes in handing you everything to carry, and in assuming the worst of our lack of communication. There's no excuse for that, and i really do apologize for instilling any negative emotions on to you. You really didn't deserve any of it. But I know that you are surrounding by better people now that won't hurt you, and I'm happy .

no idea

We are taking a break. I don't know for how long but I hate that I can't talk to her anymore. I hate not being able to see her at all. I hate not having her with me. I haven't this hollow in such a long time. I know I am just being selfish but I can't help it. I can't stop crying randomly. I even missed class so I could cry freely, and i'm thinking of missing class tomorrow and I just feel hopeless. I need help but time won't allow me to get help. I'm tired. I m really tired and I can't ask her to stay by me and give me constant motivation because it must be so draining. I think this is the best option for now, to take a break but i really wished it didn't have to come to this. I feel worse, I feel like I can't talk to anyone, I feel like I don't belong here. I am even starting to feel like maybe getting in to the AU was  a mistake and we were never meant to meet. I still think she is better off without me, I know she would say the opposite. But i can't help but think she would be so much happier not being trapped in a relationship with a person like me. I love her so much which makes all of this hurts even more to say. I wish all of this didn't come back to me right now. I wish the memories didn't come back at all. All remembering has done to me is lose things. I don't want to lose the self lvoe I had already worked so hard to build up. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose my friends because of my distanced nature right now. I just don't want to remember.
But oh well I am dealing with it right now

How did I get into K Pop?

Well there was an involvement fair at my university. I had zero friends so I thought, why not walk around alone and sign up for some groups? I signed up for quite a lot of groups. I was about to leave when I noticed a very cute poster. The cute popcorn drawing caught my attention and then I read the sign and it said "K Club" I talked to the girl that was representing the group, she was very nice to me so I wrote my name on the list. They have weekly meetings every Friday. I showed up to the first one and they were showing newly released MV's. They were nice, I wasn't too into it.
 Until they showed "DNA" by BTS. I wasn't phased by the first guy that was whistling(Jungkook). I was quite okay until I saw Taehyung, and I heard his deep voice for the intro of the song. After I saw that guy I had to learn his name. His stage name is V, then I learned his real name is Kim Taehyung. Then I wanted to learn the names of the other members so I could be better at telling them apart. I learned their names, and slowly I started watching their other MV's, and Bangtan Bombs. I still kept on going to the weekly k club meetings. In every meeting we saw new MV's and we learned k pop dances. It was (and still is) quite fun.
Around November that's when I started watching Crack videos, Taekook vids, and oh boy I was hooked. After that I slowly realized I was being sucked into the fandom. Slowly my tumblr posts were starting to be filled with the BoYs, and then I started reading the Twitter Outcast AU, and well that pretty much trapped me into the fandom.
Anyways I blame Taehyung for this, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be nearly as obsessed.

Back at it again

with the lyric videos. It was a long break indeed. I might even do lyric videos for my new selection of k pop songs??

Her's- You Don't Know this Guy (Lyrics)