almost a month later

May 21, 2019

Officially broken up. I was basically six feet under in the first few days. I am thankful for my best friend for being there in the initial hit. For the four am meltdown after remembering the memory. And the day where it was officially done. I am also thankful for pisces friend for hearing about all of my anxieties and giving great advice. He really didn't have to but i'm glad that he was around after i asked the dumb question about the name tag on the boy with luv comeback sleepover with mels.
Everything has felt hard after April and i'm not sure when I will be completely fine. It also hurts to see pices friend going through the same thing with Mels, he has so much love to offer. But I am also happy for Mel for moving on, i don't know if she still has feelings for him but as long as she's happy i'm glad. this just puts me in a weird position where I hear him and see him crumbling down as i go down with him with my own guilt and sorrow. It's weird to hear him talk because it feels as I am the one talking and vise versa. sometimes venting to each other when one person is fine seems to be dangerous because of this similar thought process the other is more easily going to slip into the same process. But sometimes that's all we need? to just feel things without holding back. Sometimes we do lift eachother up out of it which is nice. It's nice to have a friend like this. I really do wish things between him and Mel work out. I really do wish they are both happy with whatever outcome they will receive. They are such good people. I really do want them to be happy.
I also want my ex to be happy. In these past few days I have finally started to come to my senses. The posts of love from her mutuals no longer make me jealous or sad at the fact that I am not the person giving those complients. I am fine with it, I even get happy now seeing how much she is surrounded with people that appreciate her. After going so long without anyone that was close to her, I am happy she is opening up to wonderful people. Even if i'm not a part of the narrative. Even if I feel like I need to detach from it all to make it easier for ariesperson, I am happy for my ex, she has come a long way and really does deserve the love from everyone.
I love you, and I will always remember you. You will also always be my Scorpio soulmate, and I am so happy for sharing our small set of experiences together. I really am, you have warmed my heart at a time where I thought there was nothing good when it came to love. I am sorry that this playful and lighthearted relationship turned to something to heavy for both of us to carry. I really do wish things turned out differently, but I am not going to force change to the outcome. I have come to realize my mistakes in handing you everything to carry, and in assuming the worst of our lack of communication. There's no excuse for that, and i really do apologize for instilling any negative emotions on to you. You really didn't deserve any of it. But I know that you are surrounding by better people now that won't hurt you, and I'm happy .