no idea

We are taking a break. I don't know for how long but I hate that I can't talk to her anymore. I hate not being able to see her at all. I hate not having her with me. I haven't this hollow in such a long time. I know I am just being selfish but I can't help it. I can't stop crying randomly. I even missed class so I could cry freely, and i'm thinking of missing class tomorrow and I just feel hopeless. I need help but time won't allow me to get help. I'm tired. I m really tired and I can't ask her to stay by me and give me constant motivation because it must be so draining. I think this is the best option for now, to take a break but i really wished it didn't have to come to this. I feel worse, I feel like I can't talk to anyone, I feel like I don't belong here. I am even starting to feel like maybe getting in to the AU was  a mistake and we were never meant to meet. I still think she is better off without me, I know she would say the opposite. But i can't help but think she would be so much happier not being trapped in a relationship with a person like me. I love her so much which makes all of this hurts even more to say. I wish all of this didn't come back to me right now. I wish the memories didn't come back at all. All remembering has done to me is lose things. I don't want to lose the self lvoe I had already worked so hard to build up. I don't want to lose her. I don't want to lose my friends because of my distanced nature right now. I just don't want to remember.
But oh well I am dealing with it right now

How did I get into K Pop?

Well there was an involvement fair at my university. I had zero friends so I thought, why not walk around alone and sign up for some groups? I signed up for quite a lot of groups. I was about to leave when I noticed a very cute poster. The cute popcorn drawing caught my attention and then I read the sign and it said "K Club" I talked to the girl that was representing the group, she was very nice to me so I wrote my name on the list. They have weekly meetings every Friday. I showed up to the first one and they were showing newly released MV's. They were nice, I wasn't too into it.
 Until they showed "DNA" by BTS. I wasn't phased by the first guy that was whistling(Jungkook). I was quite okay until I saw Taehyung, and I heard his deep voice for the intro of the song. After I saw that guy I had to learn his name. His stage name is V, then I learned his real name is Kim Taehyung. Then I wanted to learn the names of the other members so I could be better at telling them apart. I learned their names, and slowly I started watching their other MV's, and Bangtan Bombs. I still kept on going to the weekly k club meetings. In every meeting we saw new MV's and we learned k pop dances. It was (and still is) quite fun.
Around November that's when I started watching Crack videos, Taekook vids, and oh boy I was hooked. After that I slowly realized I was being sucked into the fandom. Slowly my tumblr posts were starting to be filled with the BoYs, and then I started reading the Twitter Outcast AU, and well that pretty much trapped me into the fandom.
Anyways I blame Taehyung for this, if it weren't for him, I wouldn't be nearly as obsessed.

Back at it again

with the lyric videos. It was a long break indeed. I might even do lyric videos for my new selection of k pop songs??

Her's- You Don't Know this Guy (Lyrics)

Some SBE convos

If I had to pick one of my favorite things about this trip it would be the midnight talks I had with my group, and the few long conversations I had with a couple of the guests at AndreHouse. Which is quite ironic since I am the least social/open one of the group. I guess that's why I liked those long conversations because I truly got to see and know a certain part of someone's life.

- On the last day I was at AndreHouse a guy sat next to me, and next we knew we were talking about music. He told me he writes songs and he used to know how to play piano. He talked about music being a remedy to his gloomy days, and it was something that always kept him going. Somehow we skipped the introductory meeting questions, like our names. We never asked for each other's name but we somehow managed to talk about our passions. We didn't even say hello yet we managed to give each other a "happy early birthday" since we are both summer babies. We are both cancers, we are two deep emotional beings. We both laughed at the fact that we are cry babies at heart but still try to keep a hard 'cold' exterior for other people.
- On Thursday after two days of Leahna telling me to talk to Marlon, it finally happened. I approached him towards the end when things started to settle down. As I was bringing him his cup of coffee, I managed up some courage and started talking to him. I began with telling him that Leahna had volunteered at the family dining room before and that she wanted to know more about him. He gave me a warm smile and laughed he then said " well what do you want to know" and I told him "Whatever you want to share" at first he started telling me that he had been going to AndreHouse since 2006. After a few minutes of talking he started to open up more. He talked about the fact that he had a talent for sewing clothes, then he shared that his dream is to have a family of his own to share happy memories with. Due to his family being in Honduras his main struggle is being alone, without any real bonds. He said that he usually doesn't like getting close to other guests because he doesn't want to attract any trouble. Even after avoiding people he told me of the story of another group of people that tried stealing his belongings while he was sleeping, and then got brutally hurt. It was the reason he is now in a wheelchair. Marlon is a person that doesn't have any addictions or bad habits but unexpected situations has led him to where he is now. Even after telling me all of this he still kept a smile on his face. He is one of the strongest people I have ever met if I am being honest.


-Midnight Conversations:
 I really liked these. Some of them were quite funny like the one where Kadi and Nick were criticizing the poor interior design of the second house we stayed in (or near??) Sedona. I have to agree that the different shades of brown in the master bedroom did bother me after they had pointed it out. Another conversation was when Joe and I were planning on making a screamo band called "The Introverts" with Nick. Joe would play the bagpipes, Nick would play the piano, and I would play the guitar. We even created six track names for our first album.

Then of course there was the "Men are Trash" conversation with the entire group where we just complained about men and bad past experiences. It was truly bonding and there were many good laughs.

One week left

I am drowning in homework and tests. I have to finish my annotated bibliography before spring break because I won't have wi fi.
Why? Because I am going to Arizona for a week long service trip at a homeless shelter with 6 other wonderful people. We are leaving our phones and any kind of technology behind. I have been waiting for this since last semester. Now that is a week away I am starting to feel anxious. I am not sure if its because of school work, or the fact that I sometimes go into an unknown state of depression. I don't know.
I am also required to make a journal for Kia, and I have so many ideas for it but not much time. I hope she likes it. I already have the pictures I am going to use to personalize her journal.
Over the past few months I have gotten close to the six other people. After the movie night at Leahna's house, after the fundraisers, after the brunch dates, and volunteer events, and weekly meetings, I have gotten to know so much of them. It makes me happy.
I also hear rumors that we might go to the Grand Canyon??? But I don't want to rely on that. As our motto goes "Participate Don't Anticipate" I don't want to only look forward to that. I want to look forward to meeting new people. I want to look forward to actually help in any small way I can to the homeless. I want to gain a new perspective on this issue.

Did I forget?

I like k-pop now. It is probably the type of music that I listen most often to now. I stan BTS and my bias is Kim Taehyung, my bias wrecker is Min Yoongi. Because of this I have made a new friend on tumblr back In December. We both were hugely invested in the Outcast AU on Twitter, and wow it took a toll on us. Since the AU we have remained talking to each other, and honeslty I could have not asked for a better tumblr friend.

-this is just an update. I have so many drafts but I never finish them :(

I Lied,

My first big crush wasn't Andy from 6th grade.

My first big crush was Gladys from 5th grade.

I like to pretend it never happened.
Nothing really happened honestly.
We talked hours on end outside of her apartment.
She went to my house to listen to music.
We obsessed over 'Tokio Hotel', and 'Paramore'.
We sat together in Science class.

But I lied,
I said I was first devastated
when I found out Andy started dating Guadalupe
(can't believe I remember her name).
My first devastation was when
Gladys told me her crush was Osvaldo
(can't believe I remember his name)

It was the first time I forced a fake smile to my face.
It was the first time I cried over a crush in my room at night.

Every time she talked about how dreamy his eyes were,
my stomach would turn,
I would feel a small amount of self doubt
I didn't want to cry in front of her.

I figured the best solution was to instead encourage her to get closer to her crush.
If they dated that would be the end of it.

My crush would diminish over time as their bond grew stronger.
But it never happened.

My second devastation wasn't when
my 3rd mini crush told me I was "fucking ugly"
in 7th grade.
It was when Gladys and I grew apart in 8th grade.
It was when the after school talks stopped,
It was when she stopped telling me secrets.
It was when she stopped going to my house.
It was when she would stop grabbing my hand at the most random times.
It was when I suddenly stopped seeing her often in the middle school hallways.
It was when I stopped listening to the song "The Only Exception"

I had a lot of mini crushes since Pre-K
but Gladys was the first person
my heart would skip a beat for.
She was the first person I always wanted to impress.
I would make the extra effort to listen to all the music she listened to,
Especially Tokio Hotel.
I even made my first lyric video on one of their songs on my first Youtube channel
(that sadly got deleted (Yes I am still mad about my channel being deleted by youtube due to copyright claims))
She was the reason why I attempted to write poetry
(this is not a poem btw)
The reason why I started reading more books.
I tried to love the things she had an everlasting passion for
Because her passion towards these things was truly a breathtaking thing to listen
to her talk about.
I remember the way her eyes would just radiate with joy when she talked about her new
favorite song, poem, movie, or book.

I never told this to anyone at the time.
But Jael noticed, either because he liked the idea of "girlongirl" action
or because he actually saw the way my mood elevated instantly when she was around.
I never told this to anyone later on.
But Lesly managed to see the truth, either because she wanted to know something about me that nobody else did
Or because she saw the way I talked about my friendship with Gladys in middle school.
I never told anyone, but they noticed.

So yeah I lied,
My first Scorpio love wasn't Andy,
it was Gladys.

So I found the first lyric video in my laptop!!! Here it is :)