I Am A Fucking Cancer

        Having more time to reflect on my mistakes due to the lack of social life, I am finally coming to hate myself. I have become ignorant and a selfish cunt. When I felt someone getting close I ignored them without explanations. The second person that came close I just shot them down with the college bullshit, I fucking hate this, I hate myself. I don't want to toy with anyone's emotions, but why have I already hurt two people along the way?
        Have I become that destructive hurricane? Have I become the reason hurricanes are called after names? Yes I fucking have. Without even realizing it.
      Note to self: I won't get close to anyone again until I completely heal.

Relapse (9/4/17) Freshman year College

       I am not feeling like myself lately. I have not laughed in a while, I have not even talked to people in a while. I haven't had a real conversation since the beginning of August. I am doing bad again. The first sign should have been the fact that I didn't cry when my parents dropped me off in my dorm. I didn't even cry the first night I was here on my own. 

       The second sign should have been that I made no attempt to go to the activities my university was offering. Like the breakfast/meet up at Doyle Hall or the REC fest. Why? I didn't want to interact with anyone. 

       Third sign. I am skipping meals. Not because I want to, heck I know it's bad for my health. But some days I just don't feel like getting up to eat. I don't crave food at times at all. My stomach doesn't grumble anymore. 

       Fourth sign, I don't want to talk with anyone. I am content being alone. I've spent the past 4 days alone in my dorm. I didn't feel bad either. I wasn't craving to talk to anyone. The only people I talked to were my parents. Slowly I've noticed that I haven't even been replying to my messages. I just wanted(want) to be alone. 

      Today the wave of emotions hit me, I am not okay. I am on the verge of losing my mind and I don't have a private place to go. I don't have a place where I can cry on my own without anyone asking if I am okay. I can't talk about to my roommate and I can't talk about to my best friends because they have their own things to worry about. I can't talk about it to anyone, because of all of this I haven't made new friends. This is the first time I have to deal with my emotions and i'm not sure how I can handle them in this environment. Everyday it's getting harder for me to keep things under the rug.