loser era (kind of?)

So it's been a month or two since I've initially found out that I was not accepted into the master's program that I had applied for. Initially I got the email before the date of the deadline, which threw me off. I contacted the advisor to confirm my denial was accurate. They said yes and to contact another person from the department to ask the reasoning behind their decision. Honestly I was scared to reach out but I was scared of not knowing what exactly took me out as a candidate. Weeks passed until I finally decided to ask, and yeah it was my GPA!!! I had a sinking feeling my GPA was going to be an obstacle in this process. 

I was sort of felt relived that it was only my GPA, but also bummed that it was still a major obstacle. Even if they look at my last few semesters. That's where my lower grades reside in. It made sense considering it was the year 2020 and 2021 lol, but whatever it's in the past. I felt weird telling my parents and my bosses at work about it. I spoke to my counselor and I cried about it. Thankfully, I did there. When I told my mom yesterday she said "Oh I guess they didn't want you. You can tell your bosses you're just not thinking about a masters anymore" okay?? I know she has a weird way of saying things, but yeah honestly I did feel like crying. She also mentioned "oh well I guess you weren't good enough" which is something I always end up telling myself when I feel down. It did not feel good hearing it out loud. 

These past few months I feel like there have been a lot of inconveniences. First getting sick twice in the span of several weeks. One time with a mild case of bronchitis the other with covid. This almost made me miss my best friends wedding but thankfully I was good by the time her day rolled around! Then it was m violin. I went to get it repaired. Went out with my gemini friend to an edm club night and once I came back the bottom part was snapped off. I still need to get it fixed again lol. That was the unlucky day where I already had strange feelings festering up, that when I saw my violin in that state i broke down crying.  During the club night I felt like I was disassociating, It was such a good time with gemini girl. But towards the end I felt myself withdrawing. It was too god to be true. I felt like I didnt deserve a good night. At the end I was left feeling terrible by the time I went to sleep. Then yeah my phone broke completely and I had to shelve out money for a phone that I think was accidentally overcharged> I could not dispute it because I did not have a receipt. So yeah a lot small things have happened??

But a lot of good things have also happened.

Throughout this time I've gotten to know gemini girl better. I started reading new books! Started talking to my other uni friends more! We had a good online hang out session where we just spoke about superheroes, and another one where we did escape text games. I love moments like these. 

But yeah the whole masters program thing definitely was a big hit but I can try again at my former school! I like to think of this as my ball boy era. Hinata had to face so many rejections despite wanting to advance so much. Despite his efforts and wishes he just wasn't good enough and things didn't work out in his favor, but he fought through it all to earn himself a spot. His story continues to inspire me. This is just a small set back but I'll continue to work towards my goal like he does! I admire his strength and persistence and pure pure optimism. I hope to reach the same heights as him ( a fictional character lol), and I hope to not give up on myself despite what others think. I will do this !!!

meeting someone for the first time again

 Having crushes feels weird after so long without having one-

Honestly I feel insane every time I like someone. It seems a bit obsessive and I constantly have to remind myself to take a step back. At the same time I also feel like I forget about it as well? I get big waves of emotions but they leave easily if enough time passes. 

The last time I had a crush on someone it was probably 2018, and we ended up dating. Obviously that ended, and I haven't had an interest in anyone since then. It was strange when in 2023 I started talking to someone that I briefly knew in high school. Back then I always thought she was cool, we were involved in a few extracurricular activities but we never became close friends. Surprising as that was. I wish we had talked more then but then again I was a completely different person. I might have been too annoying back in the day. 

Anyways we got to talking about one of the kpop groups we were into during that time. I would occasionally reply to one of her stories and she would comment on some of mine. Eventually we added eachother on tiktok and funny enough we started talking more on there. Most of our conversations revolved around what we liked in media. We would get excited if we found out the other person was interested in something we liked (but not many people knew). It was interesting because I was telling her about things I didn't tell other people too often, in fear of being viewed as "weird", but it wasn't with her because she liked it as well. 

One thing we didn't talk about though was our real lives haha. We never discussed where we lived or where we worked, or what we had been up to after high school. Until one day she texted me with "hey weird question. i've been wondering about this, but do you live in [insert city]?" I dont know why but that question immediately sent me to a panic when i saw it in my notification bar. It was the first time we spoke about ourselves outside of our interests. It also meant that if I said yes there was a possibility of us meeting in person. I replied with yes I am in the same city. Then it was the first time we spoke about what we had been up to since graduation. We sent long replies on updates and overall it was nice learning more about her. A few days later she said "crazy question but are you available next week?". We decided to meet up at a cafe that was nearby to talk. 

The days leading up to it my anxiety grew so much I even thought about cancelling. I'm glad I didn't, our conversation flowed so well. My hands were sweaty and my heart wouldn't calm itself down. I didn't know what to expect, I just sat nervously in one of the tables waiting for her to arrive. I was not sure if I was nervous because I was essentially meeting someone "new" or if it was because there were underlying feelings. Once she arrived a smile immediately settled on my face. It was strange it felt like she looked like what I had remembered from her image back in high school. But this time she literally glowed. It was probably 6pm? The sun was setting and the cafe was getting darker, only a few rays of sunshine came through the small windows. I could tell we were both a little nervous and tense but we lightened up the more we spoke of our experiences. I remember at one point the light perfectly highlighted her as she laughed. I remember thinking wow this literally feels like a movie even the lighting was just emphasizing her light aura. I kind of felt like laughed at how everything aligned so well. At one point of our meeting she mentioned she met one of our former classmates. I had a sinking feeling that it was probably my high school ex. I was right. When she kept describing him all of it was lining up to the person I was thinking about. Finally I said "is this person ___?" and she said "Yes! I'm not sure if you know him" and I replied with "Yeah! We dated". Immediately she said "Oh! I'm sorry I didn't know". We both kind of laughed about it and then we spoke about our previous relationships and "almost have been's". I loved that we generally opened up easily. We spoke about love and queerness, and the mess of the people that are straight. I did find it a little unfortunate that my mood shifted slightly at the mention of the ex. But overall I didn't let it overtake the entire meet up. We talked until it was almost closing time at the cafe. I wanted to stay longer with her but I decided it was enough for a first meeting. I had parked far away and she offered to drive me to my spot. I gladly accepted and before I left her car, we added each other on spotify. We slightly discussed our silly spotify playlist names before we left. 

I waited for a while for her to leave first and when enough time passed I just let out a nervous laugh. I felt amazing. I went out of my comfort zone to meet with someone. Someone New (kind of?) and went to a place I hadn't gone before, and the world didn't end because of it. I usually have a hard time trying new things but this was different. It was scary but I felt good by the end of it. At the time my feelings weren't completely defined, I was just excited at the prospect of getting to know someone.

originally written in Feb. 2025 (finished writing on april lmfao)