Having crushes feels weird after so long without having one-
Honestly I feel insane every time I like someone. It seems a bit obsessive and I constantly have to remind myself to take a step back. At the same time I also feel like I forget about it as well? I get big waves of emotions but they leave easily if enough time passes.
The last time I had a crush on someone it was probably 2018, and we ended up dating. Obviously that ended, and I haven't had an interest in anyone since then. It was strange when in 2023 I started talking to someone that I briefly knew in high school. Back then I always thought she was cool, we were involved in a few extracurricular activities but we never became close friends. Surprising as that was. I wish we had talked more then but then again I was a completely different person. I might have been too annoying back in the day.
Anyways we got to talking about one of the kpop groups we were into during that time. I would occasionally reply to one of her stories and she would comment on some of mine. Eventually we added eachother on tiktok and funny enough we started talking more on there. Most of our conversations revolved around what we liked in media. We would get excited if we found out the other person was interested in something we liked (but not many people knew). It was interesting because I was telling her about things I didn't tell other people too often, in fear of being viewed as "weird", but it wasn't with her because she liked it as well.
One thing we didn't talk about though was our real lives haha. We never discussed where we lived or where we worked, or what we had been up to after high school. Until one day she texted me with "hey weird question. i've been wondering about this, but do you live in [insert city]?" I dont know why but that question immediately sent me to a panic when i saw it in my notification bar. It was the first time we spoke about ourselves outside of our interests. It also meant that if I said yes there was a possibility of us meeting in person. I replied with yes I am in the same city. Then it was the first time we spoke about what we had been up to since graduation. We sent long replies on updates and overall it was nice learning more about her. A few days later she said "crazy question but are you available next week?". We decided to meet up at a cafe that was nearby to talk.
The days leading up to it my anxiety grew so much I even thought about cancelling. I'm glad I didn't, our conversation flowed so well. My hands were sweaty and my heart wouldn't calm itself down. I didn't know what to expect, I just sat nervously in one of the tables waiting for her to arrive. I was not sure if I was nervous because I was essentially meeting someone "new" or if it was because there were underlying feelings. Once she arrived a smile immediately settled on my face. It was strange it felt like she looked like what I had remembered from her image back in high school. But this time she literally glowed. It was probably 6pm? The sun was setting and the cafe was getting darker, only a few rays of sunshine came through the small windows. I could tell we were both a little nervous and tense but we lightened up the more we spoke of our experiences. I remember at one point the light perfectly highlighted her as she laughed. I remember thinking wow this literally feels like a movie even the lighting was just emphasizing her light aura. I kind of felt like laughed at how everything aligned so well. At one point of our meeting she mentioned she met one of our former classmates. I had a sinking feeling that it was probably my high school ex. I was right. When she kept describing him all of it was lining up to the person I was thinking about. Finally I said "is this person ___?" and she said "Yes! I'm not sure if you know him" and I replied with "Yeah! We dated". Immediately she said "Oh! I'm sorry I didn't know". We both kind of laughed about it and then we spoke about our previous relationships and "almost have been's". I loved that we generally opened up easily. We spoke about love and queerness, and the mess of the people that are straight. I did find it a little unfortunate that my mood shifted slightly at the mention of the ex. But overall I didn't let it overtake the entire meet up. We talked until it was almost closing time at the cafe. I wanted to stay longer with her but I decided it was enough for a first meeting. I had parked far away and she offered to drive me to my spot. I gladly accepted and before I left her car, we added each other on spotify. We slightly discussed our silly spotify playlist names before we left.
I waited for a while for her to leave first and when enough time passed I just let out a nervous laugh. I felt amazing. I went out of my comfort zone to meet with someone. Someone New (kind of?) and went to a place I hadn't gone before, and the world didn't end because of it. I usually have a hard time trying new things but this was different. It was scary but I felt good by the end of it. At the time my feelings weren't completely defined, I was just excited at the prospect of getting to know someone.
originally written in Feb. 2025 (finished writing on april lmfao)
