My next poem

So in my school I am involved in a group called "New Literati" every month we are required to submit poems/short stories/essay/visual art. I already submitted one poem which I am quite proud of. Now we have another submission date coming up and I think my next poem will be about letting go. My last poem was about loss and now I want to write about the next phase. (The loss poem wasn't about geek dude btw, I felt if I wrote about him it would have been a hate poem, I would have had a bunch of self pity and I didn't want that lmao). Maybe i'll tie this poem to my retreat experience. The activity we did to write down our fears and throw them into a pit of fire. Maybe I'll include the hike, where we all started screaming for no good reason in the middle of the forest.  I used to think these activities were bs because I've done them before and I did nothing to change myself. Yes at the moment I always said "Now it's time for change" but two days after the retreat I went back to the old bad habits. This Freshman Retreat changed all of this. I felt and overwhelming wave of joy, and I kept it throughout these few months and it gave me the strength to cut out people from my life. it's the first time I've actually kept my word. So yeah maybe I'll write a poem about that.

The reason why there's so many missing posts (10/29/17)

So today I was reading "Sad Girls" by Lang Leav (great book, I totally recommend this!) One thing that stood out was Rad deleting his book completely from his laptop. After he had the horrible breakup with Audrey and after having his book rejected by a publisher, he shut down and deleted everything. 

This hit me kind of hard, because I did the same with most of my blog posts after a breakup. It was strange though because I even deleted things that weren't related to him. I did it because I felt shitty to the point where I thought I was completely worthless, and everything I did had no meaning, my writing meant nothing.

So I went on to my blog and randomly decided to delete 75% of my content. I have no idea how the content that was left survived that 'apocalypse' (the stuff that I deleted was completely random, I didn't even read the titles of the posts that I was deleting), but I am glad I didn't delete everything. 25% is better than 0% right? I still regret this, I deleted my most happy experiences with him and other things throughout high school. I would give anything to go back and stop myself from doing such a dumb thing. 

Chinese New Year

New lyric video,

New beginning,

Heck I finally stopped crying !!!

I haven't felt this liberated in a while,

I'm so freaking happy

that I dealt with my fear from the retreat

Chinese New Year

Campfire (9/23/17) Freshman Retreat

So I feel fine now.
I haven't thought or cried about him for several weeks.
That's improvement right?
I am so freaking happy
And nothing eventful has really happened
But I am so happy.

I think I finally let go of everything in the retreat (9-22-17~9-24-17)
I think it happened when we sat around the campfire holding our fears in a piece of paper.
I think it happened when I saw him crying
and I thought to myself "What is he crying for? What is his fear?"
I wanted to ask but decided not to because it was something internal only he could solve
I cried over you and the shitty situation under the stars
I cried for the last time besides other people who were also hurting over their past.
That was the last time I cried over you.

I was finally ready to throw my piece of paper in the fire
he said "I wish our problems could go away this easily"
I just agreed, because I know it takes work to get over a fear
It is so hard to let go of something that was a crucial part of your life.
A crucial part of your past.

And I hope this isn't temporary,
I hope this is permanent