Sunday, June 25, 2017
La La Land (A movie to remember)
So back in January I saw this amazing film. I looked through my blog and I realized I completly forgot to post about it. Who knows why since this movie played a huge part in my love of music. The soundtrack in this movie is to die for! The visual cinematography took me away. The amazing chemistry between them made me cry especially at the end. Anyways this was my favorite song of the movie (also the second scene that made me cry)
The Cancer's Picnic (6/12/17) Summer of Senior year
As I said in my last story, I had a Picnic with Rey. Geek dude talked with her over the whole cheating thing on Friday. On that same day she texted me asking if I wanted to have a picnic with her. I said yes because I also needed a person to talk to about this. Plus I was pretty excited at the fact I was going to have my very first picnic with someone. I agreed to bring fruit and the blanket to set on the floor while she brought the sandwiches and drinks.
Monday came, I washed the cherries and oranges. I got a text from Rey saying she was making the sandwiches. Moments later she texted "OH MY GOD WHERE'S THE HAM!?" I texted back saying I also didn't have any ham. Rey said she forgot to buy it the day before so we agreed on not having any sandwiches. She came to my house at five to pick me up. Once we arrived to the park we set down the blanket and she took out the picnic basket. There was only one other person walking around. Instead of sandwiches she brought ice cream with cookies, and apples. She started laughing at the fact she forgot the most important part of a sandwich. Music was also playing quietly in the background. We started eating and then we talked about our childhood. She used to have an obsession with ants, she knew every fact about them. She tried recalling some but it was no use. I told her I also used to have an obsession with bats. Later I brought up something about Summer. Months ago I noticed Rey and Summer were becoming close friends then I noticed they stopped talking for no apparent reason. Rey told me it was because she is going to the same college and Summer's boyfriend is, and Rey sensed Summer was getting jealous. I talked to Summer recently, so I knew she is overprotective of her boyfriend, this story came as no surprise to me.
After this small talk Rey told me she talked to Geek dude on Friday. She said he was being selfish. He only talked about him not wanting to lose me because it would mean he was going to lose his best friend, he would lose a person to hang out with. Initially he didn't touch on the fact that he hurt me. Which made Rey mad, especially when he said "I am destroyed, I feel terrible.: she then said "You feel bad? YOU feel bad? Imagine her jesus christ you cheated on her!" At this point I felt tears whelming up because I knew he didn't care. That was the only reason why I didn't respond to what she was saying because I knew if I did I was going to start crying. She then started talking about her ex boyfriend Mar. He is a year older so when she was a senior he was a freshman in college. They tried to make things work while he was off to college. Later he said he wanted the full college experience, which meant going to parties, the drinking, and hooking up with other people. Of course Rey didn't agree with this. So they also went to the liquidity state, she was in it for months, and she was miserable. It didn't save or help the relationship at all. One day he broke up with her and she begged for him to stay, because she didn't want to lose him. As I was hearing this I couldn't help but notice all the parallels of her story and mine. This made me change my mind on being 'okay' in the liquid state. After hearing this I knew I was not going to feel better in this state, Rey didn't and we're similar people, so it was no use to waste time in this miserable feeling. After the breakup she thought so low of herself. She always thought of the 'What if's" and "Maybe if I changed this, he would like me", or the "I am not good enough for him," practically the same feelings I was experiencing. Months later she finally reached the stage where she was okay, even happy with the breakup. She realized she didn't need him in her life to be happy. She didn't need to change or to worry about her physical appearance to satisfy him, because if she did change them, nothing would be any different in the relationship. Rey started writing poetry once again, she started reading, things that she once used to do before he came along.
When we were done eating Rey took out a small pillow from her car and put it on the blanket. We both put our heads on it, and just looked at the sky as "Cigarette Daydreams" played in the background. Somehow we started talking about our elementary school bullies. We both started laughing at how pathetic they were. She also talked about the time she wanted to be the clown in a school play but she ended up being a tree. She walked up to the boy dressed as clown and yelled at him that it was Rey's rightful role. The only reason she did this was because she could have sworn she read her name as the role of the clown. Until this day she has the same stance. After a while of talking about comic book superheroes I offered to go to the swing sets. As we walked there she said "Man I haven't been in one since freshman year. I remember when I was little I never liked swing sets because I got bored easily." Once we got on we continued talking about Geek dude. At one point we both started yelling "Boys are trash!" while we swung higher and higher. Rey started laughing and said "Oh my god, I don't remember swings being this fun!" She started throwing her body back while stretching her legs outward. She told me to do it because it was fun but I was afraid due to me wearing a dress (she was also wearing a dress). She said "It don't matter gurl, do it!" and I did after so many requests. It was probably the first time I was genuinely enjoying myself since the whole cheating thing began. Rey told me how she wanted to also punch Geek dude in the face but couldn't because it wasn't going to change anything. Once she got home that day she texted Mar saying "Ugh why are you guys so dumb!" afterwards they talked about their relationship. Mar still doesn't believe he did anything wrong in the relationship. This only enraged us even more. There was talk about her also wanting to come back to him at times but then she remembers how horrible it felt, and it is honestly not worth it.
After talking, this kid Julian started talking to Rey. He is six years old, and he doesn't live around the area. They played around for a bit at the playground. Then they came back to the swing set and he told us he didn't know how to swing by himself. So Rey was pushing him and I told him to follow my body motions and after a while, he was doing it on his own! We started racing on who could swing the highest, he eventually beat me. His mom came around and told him they had to leave and he said "Leave where?" which made Rey and I laugh. They left and we soon started packing our things
This day could have easily been the best one of the week. Rey is one of the most beautiful and caring people out there. It honestly tore me apart hearing what she had to go through. Because she is the person that always makes the class laugh, or is the person that is there when someone needs advice. She has the brightest smile that can easily lift up someone's day. I thank her for this. She is the one that made wake up on what was actually happening. She made me see the harsh truth that geek dude doesn't care. Something I was so scared of believing, she helped me understand and cope with that reality. She also made me realize I am not alone in this healing process. This was the first time we bonded on this kind of level. It was a special kind of picnic because we both talked about our vulnerable points, and fears. And surprise surprise we are both Cancers! After this day at the park I've honestly felt better. Before this meeting, I was crying every night over the relationship, I put myself in the worst thoughts and feelings. Rey has shown me I am worth so much more than this. I will forever be grateful for her.
Monday came, I washed the cherries and oranges. I got a text from Rey saying she was making the sandwiches. Moments later she texted "OH MY GOD WHERE'S THE HAM!?" I texted back saying I also didn't have any ham. Rey said she forgot to buy it the day before so we agreed on not having any sandwiches. She came to my house at five to pick me up. Once we arrived to the park we set down the blanket and she took out the picnic basket. There was only one other person walking around. Instead of sandwiches she brought ice cream with cookies, and apples. She started laughing at the fact she forgot the most important part of a sandwich. Music was also playing quietly in the background. We started eating and then we talked about our childhood. She used to have an obsession with ants, she knew every fact about them. She tried recalling some but it was no use. I told her I also used to have an obsession with bats. Later I brought up something about Summer. Months ago I noticed Rey and Summer were becoming close friends then I noticed they stopped talking for no apparent reason. Rey told me it was because she is going to the same college and Summer's boyfriend is, and Rey sensed Summer was getting jealous. I talked to Summer recently, so I knew she is overprotective of her boyfriend, this story came as no surprise to me.
After this small talk Rey told me she talked to Geek dude on Friday. She said he was being selfish. He only talked about him not wanting to lose me because it would mean he was going to lose his best friend, he would lose a person to hang out with. Initially he didn't touch on the fact that he hurt me. Which made Rey mad, especially when he said "I am destroyed, I feel terrible.: she then said "You feel bad? YOU feel bad? Imagine her jesus christ you cheated on her!" At this point I felt tears whelming up because I knew he didn't care. That was the only reason why I didn't respond to what she was saying because I knew if I did I was going to start crying. She then started talking about her ex boyfriend Mar. He is a year older so when she was a senior he was a freshman in college. They tried to make things work while he was off to college. Later he said he wanted the full college experience, which meant going to parties, the drinking, and hooking up with other people. Of course Rey didn't agree with this. So they also went to the liquidity state, she was in it for months, and she was miserable. It didn't save or help the relationship at all. One day he broke up with her and she begged for him to stay, because she didn't want to lose him. As I was hearing this I couldn't help but notice all the parallels of her story and mine. This made me change my mind on being 'okay' in the liquid state. After hearing this I knew I was not going to feel better in this state, Rey didn't and we're similar people, so it was no use to waste time in this miserable feeling. After the breakup she thought so low of herself. She always thought of the 'What if's" and "Maybe if I changed this, he would like me", or the "I am not good enough for him," practically the same feelings I was experiencing. Months later she finally reached the stage where she was okay, even happy with the breakup. She realized she didn't need him in her life to be happy. She didn't need to change or to worry about her physical appearance to satisfy him, because if she did change them, nothing would be any different in the relationship. Rey started writing poetry once again, she started reading, things that she once used to do before he came along.
When we were done eating Rey took out a small pillow from her car and put it on the blanket. We both put our heads on it, and just looked at the sky as "Cigarette Daydreams" played in the background. Somehow we started talking about our elementary school bullies. We both started laughing at how pathetic they were. She also talked about the time she wanted to be the clown in a school play but she ended up being a tree. She walked up to the boy dressed as clown and yelled at him that it was Rey's rightful role. The only reason she did this was because she could have sworn she read her name as the role of the clown. Until this day she has the same stance. After a while of talking about comic book superheroes I offered to go to the swing sets. As we walked there she said "Man I haven't been in one since freshman year. I remember when I was little I never liked swing sets because I got bored easily." Once we got on we continued talking about Geek dude. At one point we both started yelling "Boys are trash!" while we swung higher and higher. Rey started laughing and said "Oh my god, I don't remember swings being this fun!" She started throwing her body back while stretching her legs outward. She told me to do it because it was fun but I was afraid due to me wearing a dress (she was also wearing a dress). She said "It don't matter gurl, do it!" and I did after so many requests. It was probably the first time I was genuinely enjoying myself since the whole cheating thing began. Rey told me how she wanted to also punch Geek dude in the face but couldn't because it wasn't going to change anything. Once she got home that day she texted Mar saying "Ugh why are you guys so dumb!" afterwards they talked about their relationship. Mar still doesn't believe he did anything wrong in the relationship. This only enraged us even more. There was talk about her also wanting to come back to him at times but then she remembers how horrible it felt, and it is honestly not worth it.
After talking, this kid Julian started talking to Rey. He is six years old, and he doesn't live around the area. They played around for a bit at the playground. Then they came back to the swing set and he told us he didn't know how to swing by himself. So Rey was pushing him and I told him to follow my body motions and after a while, he was doing it on his own! We started racing on who could swing the highest, he eventually beat me. His mom came around and told him they had to leave and he said "Leave where?" which made Rey and I laugh. They left and we soon started packing our things
This day could have easily been the best one of the week. Rey is one of the most beautiful and caring people out there. It honestly tore me apart hearing what she had to go through. Because she is the person that always makes the class laugh, or is the person that is there when someone needs advice. She has the brightest smile that can easily lift up someone's day. I thank her for this. She is the one that made wake up on what was actually happening. She made me see the harsh truth that geek dude doesn't care. Something I was so scared of believing, she helped me understand and cope with that reality. She also made me realize I am not alone in this healing process. This was the first time we bonded on this kind of level. It was a special kind of picnic because we both talked about our vulnerable points, and fears. And surprise surprise we are both Cancers! After this day at the park I've honestly felt better. Before this meeting, I was crying every night over the relationship, I put myself in the worst thoughts and feelings. Rey has shown me I am worth so much more than this. I will forever be grateful for her.Wednesday, June 21, 2017
The Worst Two Weeks of Summer? (6/3/17- 6/16/17) Senior Year
It all started with a small Saturday theater party. I couldn't go due to my parents being strict, and also the fact that I didn't really talk to the people that were going to be at the party (except for geek dude). So Geek dude went even though we knew that there was going to be alcohol. When I first found out about it, I was weary but I wasn't going to hold him back from hanging out with his friends. On Saturday he left, at midnight he messaged me saying he was going to sleep over at the house, and that he had been drinking. By this time I did get worried but I didn't say anything, I didn't want to be a killjoy. Next day around the afternoon he texted me saying "I fucked up". He got wasted apparently and blacked out, because he couldn't recall some things that happened. The things he did remember was a game of Truth or Dare. Someone dared him to kiss a girl and he did. He said he was drunk and she was drunk so it didn't mean anything. Then someone asked "wait don't you have a girlfriend" and geek dude said "oh yeah", someone else then said "They're going to break up at the end of summer so she doesn't matter" (Geek dude and I agreed to break up several months back due to us being away from each other in college, he is going to Maine while I stay in Texas). When I read this I started crying but I kept telling myself it was nothing. I pretended it didn't bother me so I could get the entire story out of him. I knew if i said i was already crying from that, he would not tell me the rest, He then said they made out even more because they dared them again. They slept next to each other, and when he woke up he tried waking her up. By this time he said he was already sober. When she woke up they just started making out again. This broke me. The worst part was he didn't even apologize for what he did. He asked "You're not mad?" I said no, because instead I was just sad. I probably had the worst panic attack after hearing this. He went on to tell the story because I told him to. The apology never came. It came on Monday when I showed a sign of me being affected by it. I told him he never apologized for what he did and he said "I didn't? Oh well sorry about this".
By this point I made up my mind to break up with him, I told my best friend I was going to on Tuesday. Until then I was going to pretend everything was fine just to see what else he was going to say about the topic. Tuesday came and I couldn't do it. We watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and everything was fine. Moments after the movie ended I broke down crying. He hugged me and asked what was bothering me. I told him it was the thing that happened on Saturday night and Sunday morning. He told me to talk about it, and i couldn't every time i tried the words didn't come out due to me crying too much. So instead I took out a letter that explained everything that I was feeling about it. I wrote it soon after the panic attack, I wrote until I felt more at ease. I gave him the letter and he explained himself. He said he didn't apologize right after because he thought I didn't care. I didn't blame him it was my fault I didn't communicate my side on all of this. When he was done he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that everyone is telling me to break up with him but personally I still wanted to be in the relationship ( I know it's not wise , curse these feelings). He then said we should be in between. We will still do couple things but we would not hold the relationship status of us officially dating. This again made my heart sink. Because it was clear he didn't care enough. I was dumb enough to accept this lousy offer. In my head I just thought "Okay this is the only way I won't completely lose him. Anyways it's just a title that I am losing." I came home told my best guy friend that we didn't officially break up. He said he wasn't going to be my friend until i broke up with geek dude. He wasn't going to see me tear myself apart in this toxic relationship. I wasn't mad at him for doing this, I knew I was doing myself harm. So he stopped talking to me.
A couple days passed and this 'liquidity state' between me and geek dude was tearing me apart. I only got worse. Yes it was amazing every time we saw each other, but it was completely dreadful each time I heard him say "Hey gtg, going to hang out with ______" (the girl he kissed). They still kept on talking and hanging out, even more than before the kiss. On June 12, my friend Reyna invited me to go to a picnic with her. I agreed, obviously. After the picnic was over I knew what I had to do. I had to confront geek dude once again and tell him I couldn't be in this liquid state. We were going to be in a relationship, and if not then it's better if we broke off the relationship completely. We hanged out, I cried before I could talk about it. So he then started talking. He said it is better if we broke off the relationship because everyone is just telling us to. At this point I didn't say anything and I just agreed, there was no use in trying to talk him out of this. I cried even more and he said to try and get over it and that I didn't deserve everything that was happening. He offered to walk me home and I said no. He said "I don't want it to end like this, I don't want us to remember this horrible event as the last thing in our relationship." I started walking out and said "But it did end this way." We finally broke up on the 13th. On the walk home I texted my best friend and told him it was over. After a long week without the support of my best friend I was happy I got him back. Me and geek dude were still talking afterwards as friends. He kept on telling me he hanged out with the girl, he even went to her house a couple times. I couldn't hear it without crying. It still affects me. So on Sunday I told him I needed to stop talking to him for a couple of weeks. I need this free time to get over him. I need to get it in my head that he will no longer be as close to me as he was before, and that he is moving on. Something that I need to learn how to do. Sometimes I wish I did hate him so it could be easier to move on. But after all the bad things he has done, I still don't hate him.
By this point I made up my mind to break up with him, I told my best friend I was going to on Tuesday. Until then I was going to pretend everything was fine just to see what else he was going to say about the topic. Tuesday came and I couldn't do it. We watched the movie "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" and everything was fine. Moments after the movie ended I broke down crying. He hugged me and asked what was bothering me. I told him it was the thing that happened on Saturday night and Sunday morning. He told me to talk about it, and i couldn't every time i tried the words didn't come out due to me crying too much. So instead I took out a letter that explained everything that I was feeling about it. I wrote it soon after the panic attack, I wrote until I felt more at ease. I gave him the letter and he explained himself. He said he didn't apologize right after because he thought I didn't care. I didn't blame him it was my fault I didn't communicate my side on all of this. When he was done he asked me what I wanted to do and I told him that everyone is telling me to break up with him but personally I still wanted to be in the relationship ( I know it's not wise , curse these feelings). He then said we should be in between. We will still do couple things but we would not hold the relationship status of us officially dating. This again made my heart sink. Because it was clear he didn't care enough. I was dumb enough to accept this lousy offer. In my head I just thought "Okay this is the only way I won't completely lose him. Anyways it's just a title that I am losing." I came home told my best guy friend that we didn't officially break up. He said he wasn't going to be my friend until i broke up with geek dude. He wasn't going to see me tear myself apart in this toxic relationship. I wasn't mad at him for doing this, I knew I was doing myself harm. So he stopped talking to me.
A couple days passed and this 'liquidity state' between me and geek dude was tearing me apart. I only got worse. Yes it was amazing every time we saw each other, but it was completely dreadful each time I heard him say "Hey gtg, going to hang out with ______" (the girl he kissed). They still kept on talking and hanging out, even more than before the kiss. On June 12, my friend Reyna invited me to go to a picnic with her. I agreed, obviously. After the picnic was over I knew what I had to do. I had to confront geek dude once again and tell him I couldn't be in this liquid state. We were going to be in a relationship, and if not then it's better if we broke off the relationship completely. We hanged out, I cried before I could talk about it. So he then started talking. He said it is better if we broke off the relationship because everyone is just telling us to. At this point I didn't say anything and I just agreed, there was no use in trying to talk him out of this. I cried even more and he said to try and get over it and that I didn't deserve everything that was happening. He offered to walk me home and I said no. He said "I don't want it to end like this, I don't want us to remember this horrible event as the last thing in our relationship." I started walking out and said "But it did end this way." We finally broke up on the 13th. On the walk home I texted my best friend and told him it was over. After a long week without the support of my best friend I was happy I got him back. Me and geek dude were still talking afterwards as friends. He kept on telling me he hanged out with the girl, he even went to her house a couple times. I couldn't hear it without crying. It still affects me. So on Sunday I told him I needed to stop talking to him for a couple of weeks. I need this free time to get over him. I need to get it in my head that he will no longer be as close to me as he was before, and that he is moving on. Something that I need to learn how to do. Sometimes I wish I did hate him so it could be easier to move on. But after all the bad things he has done, I still don't hate him.
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