I am at work reading through my old essays from college, and I realized I was not the worst writer. I always used to consider myself a weak writer while I was in school. In comparison to my peers, I was slow to come up with an essay, and I constantly had to go back and change sentence structures. In reality though the content of the essays were good to read through, I was shocked at how I came up with those ideas. When I look back at my old work I find it hard to believe I am the same person that wrote/made them. When working on these projects I go into a deep "workmode" and don't stop working until I am done with the majority, this is why I never had a good planning phase with my writing. I waited for inspiration to strike and just worked for days.
I'm not sure if I still have that ignition for inspiration. Over the years I feel like I have become less creative. This is a terrifying thought for me. I've always liked that i'm overall "creative" even if i don't feel like it at the moment of creating something. But every time I look back at my old work I always think "Why was I so harsh on myself? This is not bad at all." Then I get sad over the fact that I've wasted time being so hard on myself, when I should have been enjoying everything I had to experience. Maybe I am still doing this. Now I am making mostly kpop related collages, and I don't feel too confident about them. They always seem flat, or they came out in an underwhelming way from what I envisioned in my head. Hopefully i grow to like them in the future, but in the meanwhile I am still not content with them.
In terms of work I finally got the courage to stop working at the selfie store. I enjoyed my time there and the people that I worked with. I made some genuine connections, and I honestly got lucky that I was placed in a very welcoming and friendly environment. Despite the good social aspect I felt like I wasn't growing in my career. I'm not sure if i felt stuck because of a societal pressure to constantly move upwards or if I was genuinely anxious. But after a couple months of not feeling satisfied I decided to look for another place to go to. Funny enough I went to target after work and decided to get a lunch bag for "my new job" despite me not fully committing to the idea of job searching yet. I think that was a delusional side of me, but i thank those little outbursts. After that i looked for jobs and applied to one. Surprisingly enough i got the job offer. Even though I could probably be winning more money (enough to move out), I still decided to take it. I know job offers come hard with only a bachelor's in psych.
So far I really enjoy it. I get to talk and interact with patients. Plus my immediate supervisor is nice and friendly. I know I can be slow when it come to learning new tasks, but she still works with me despite that. One time she said she also used to be really quiet, maybe I remind her of her younger self. Whatever it is I am thankful for her kindness. Sometimes I feel okay here but other times I doubt myself to the point where I don't even want to show up to work. I really hope I don't discourage myself to the point of quitting. I am quite literally the only thing in the way of my own success. This has not changed since I was little, but I am trying to get better. I wish I didn't make things harder than they have to be. When I look at others I always think why am I stressing over something other people don't even think about? Why do I have to ponder it long past the date of occurrence? One time my therapist told me that I have courage for constantly going out into the world despite it feeling like it's ending for me. I constantly have to face my fears because they are unavoidable. but yeah I'm tired , I don't know why I wrote this but I really wish I didn't feel this way.
